8:30 AM AWOKE
Let cat in from the back garden; and, fed her.
This time she chose to stay in/and, not go back out, immediately, right away.
She, eventually, went back out close to 9 AM.
8:25 AM CHECKED MY CURRENT A/C BALANCE/JSA PAYMENT WENT THROUGH, SUCCESSFULLY
My JSA payment successfully went through.
8:30 AM PAID TALKTALK £80.00/(50+30)
https://www.talktalk.co.uk
My previous TalkTalk balance said £130.00 CR. I just made another online payment to them of £50+£30=£80; so, this means I now have a balance of £210.00 CR(balance confirmed online).
This means, I should have enough credit left to pay for the rest of this year: DEC19/and, also, for the next 6 months of 2020 (I owe £30.00 monthly/7 x 3 = 21).
Ultimately, I should like 1 year of TalkTalk monthly bills having been paid in advance; then, I wouldn't have to worry about having to go pay them until whenever next year comes: JAN/21. This means, I still have to pay them: (6 x 3 = 18) = £180.00.
8:55 AM CHECKED MY OYSTER TRAVEL CARD BALANCE: £51.90 CR
https://tfl.gov.uk
I signed into my TFL-Transport For London a/c. to check what the balance said.
All pre-payments I made have been successfully transferred onto the card; and, the current balance now says £51.90 CR.
I noted that I was charged just 70p for any 2 bus journeys...going along in the one same direction...as you are not charged for continuation of a journey...providing that both bus journeys take place under a certain specific amount of time.
70p is, in fact, the 'discount' applied charge; because I'm using a discounted Oyster travel card which lasts up until May when I will have to remember to renew the discount travel option at Streatham Job Centre, again.
9:12 AM TOPPED UP MY OYSTER TRAVEL CARD BALANCE: £20.00
I topped up my Oyster travel card balance with £20.00; the balance should now say £71.90 CR.
My idea is ultimately to leave an Oyster travel card balance of, at least, £100.00+; and, in this way I shouldn't need to have to worry about travelling using different forms of London transport, namely: bus/tube/train.
I now have the goal set to deposit a further £30.00, at least.
09:29 AM PAID CASHPLUS £22.00
Cashplus Telephone number: 0330 024 0924.
I paid Cashplus £22.00 (I wanted to pay £20/but, they insisted that the minimum payment is £22).
This leaves me with a balance still to pay off of: -£218.00 DR.
11:30 PM PAID CASHPLUS LOAN OFF IN FULL: £220.00
I had £220.00 in cash; and, so, I decided to completely pay off the Cashplus loan I'd taken out; thus, saving myself from having to pay £15.00 monthly in borrowing fee charges.
My CashPlus balance now says: £2.00 CR.
11:45-4 PM VISITED KINGSWOOD HOUSE FOR DULWICH PICTURE GALLERY ART SESSION
I decided to go and visit the DWP teaching session at Kingswood House...; we copied Rembrandt printouts.
The exercise was related to learning more about 'painting' techniques. Basically, instead, of choosing to go copy a whole entire painting; they decided, instead, to concentrate on just a part/small section of the painting...then, try your best to imitate that.
First, get some colours: red/blue/yellow(brownish yellow); and, then, try mixing colours to match whichever section of the painting we choose; also, name the colours...such as chin/hair/background/-etc.
Then, you go and do a small copy; and, at the end of the session we shared our paintings with others for further comments.
Because I have ADD/Attention Deficit Disorder...leading to a really low attention span; as usual, I went and did my own thing...rather than following what the others were doing in the group.
My idea was to simply draw the Rembrandt man I had chosen using paint; at first, my painted copy was meant to be 'loose'...and, then, gradually refine it more and more, later on. However, in reality, I discovered that the finer I tried to work...then, the more muddier and muddier my work became...thus, eventually, I stopped trying; and, just left it there. Drew on the back a 'female nude'; then, went and got some more paper to practice drawing Jesus Christ head/hand; on another paper I drew Christ head/and, Christ on the cross the other side. Finally, I gave away my drawings/painting to another Paxton Green Time Bank member called: Stella, I believe is her name; she seems to like collecting my artworks; and, has collected, at least, one drawing/painting I did way back.
NOTE: At the close of the session; I briefly saw my Aikido teacher appear...it must be evening class today, Wednesday. Anyway, I said a quick hello...; and, showed him some of my drawing/painting. But, I didn't stop to mention anything about why I'm not attending Aikido, anymore(which I, really and truly, miss going to quite beyond words).
CONCLUSION
I enjoyed the drawing/painting session using paint; but, quite honestly, I should have been in Lewisham hospital visiting my mum/and, also, asking the doctors a few questions, instead.
I will try and go there, now...; but, already, it's too late...the doctors are there from 10 AM-4 PM...and, the time now is 4:55 PM; so, I've actually gone and missed seeing them/or, being able to ask them anything.
16:58 PM CHECKED MY CURRENT A/C. BALANCE: £6.56p
I just went and checked my current a/c. balance using the phone...and, was not too happy to have to realise I have a balance of just £6.56p left.
5 PM CHECKED ANSWER MACHINE MESSAGES - URGENT PHONE CALLS...GET TO LEWISHAM HOSPITAL, IMMEDIATELY...BECAUSE MUM'S HAD A TURN FOR THE WORSE
Constantly,when I was at Kingswood House doing the drawing/painting course; I was thinking about my critically ill mum lying back in her hospital bed...not moving/not eating/not drinking...each time she tried eating/drinking she would end up vomiting it all back up, again; they had given her an IV/Intavenous drip to make sure she was getting an intake of necessary fluids; but, then, I figured I don't need to go there, right now; because I had already made up my mind to go and visit seeing her during the evening...straight after the course.
Thus, it was a huge surprise to me that when I checked my answer phone to see if any messages had been left...; there were, at least, around 6 messages...I listened to around just 2 of these...all of which said the same thing...'go to Lewisham Hospital without any delay....because your mum has taken a turn for the worse.'
I could have tried taking bus...; but, then, that would mean having to 'wait'; then, wait, again. Wait to take a 68 bus from West Norwood down to Kings College Hospital...then, cross over the road and wait to take a 185. Alternatively, take a 322 bus from West Norwood up to Crystal Palace; then, cross over the road and wait to take a 122 bus to get there. I thought either way is going to be far too 'slow'.
Thus, I decided it might be far quicker to take bike...I rode straight off towards the corner of West Norwood cemetary...Robson Road...going in a straight line....; eventually, I saw a P4 bus...which I read on the front goes over to Lewisham Town Centre. Traffic was running really slow...as it's rush hour....quickly, I rode my bike ahead of the bus...towards the next bus stop...; there I chained up my bike onto the first lamp post I saw; and, then, got onto the P4 bus.
Next, I started thinking to myself...I don't even know where Lewisham Town Center is...; but, I do know that the 185 bus arrives directly outside of the hospital front gate. I asked the driver where can I get a 185...and, he said...at the cross roads...on the main street. So, I got off the bus at the very next bus stop...and, walked around the corner...where I patiently waited for the 185 to come. When the 185 came, I got on...must have been a 20 minute wait...; then, of course, most waiting along the bus journey itself to get there.
All the time, I'm thinking to myself what is going to happen when I arrive at the hospital...what does the term 'mum taken a turn for the worse' mean, exactly? A number of possibilities went through my mind...that she will be hooked up to more machines/with more tubes going into her/-etc. Or, the last possibility is, of course, the utterly unthinkable, 'death'. Quite naturally, I tried to hope only for the best...; and, tried to push out the thought of the worst ever happening.
When, eventually, I did arrive at the hospital. I ran across the road; and, through the entrance gate...I didn't bother inquiring at reception where she was...not wishing to waste any further precious time....because previously I'd been over to Oak's ward...where critical patients are held...needing to be monitored non stop 24 hours...and, therefore, assumed that's where she will, most likely remain.
The next problem, was Oak's ward is located on the 6th floor...; and, frankly, I'm nowhere near as fit as I used to be...when younger...which is when I used to climb up stairs, regularly. Of late, I've gone and done absolutely no stair climbing at all...as I live in a house...not in flats. I walked over to the lifts...where I stayed eagerly pressing the lifts button...only no lift came...; so, I continued pressing...still no lifts came...there were 2 lifts...and, apparently one of these was already out of order.
Eventually, I decided I've had quite enough of this foolishness...I will go climb up the staircase, instead. I found where the staircase was...and, climbed up 6 flights...going as fast as I possibly could...with my legs strength failing/and, also, being totally out of breath. At the top of the stairs...I decided to rest for a bit...just to allow my breathing to steady...so that when I entered the hospital ward I would be able to talk to them properly.
I pressed the ward enter button...and, when the door was released I entered into the ward; the first thing I encountered was the ward reception desk with the nurses all gently smiling at me. The next thing I encountered...where the visitors sit/wait...was two of my cousins: Sharon, and, her sister, June.
They both looked at me...with deeply sympathetic looks on their faces...and, even tried to rub my arm; but, frankly, I wasn't interested in any of that...I didn't come to the hospital to go see them; instead, I came there only to see my my mum. So, the first words that came out through my mouth were both impatient and loud: "Where's my mum?"
They said that neither of them had been allowed to see her, yet...; but, they are going to allow us to see her, later. In the mean time, we were asked to wait sitting inside of the reception area. By then I had already figured that something had gone extremely wrong....and, that most likely she had already died. I walked into the wrong ward...looking for where my mum was...I think, it was the 2nd bed on the left; however, I saw somebody else inside of the at bed; I looked all around the rest of the same ward...and, she wasn't there. So, I came back out, again...and, sat there waiting patiently. They asked me, do I want tea...no! Do I want to sit down, no! Do I wish to indulge in sympathetic talk, no! I'm not even interested in anything else; but, only seeing my mum.
Later on, two more cousins came...Millicent and Trevor. More talk.
Finally, they led us into the ward...; where we all sat down in chairs...observing the lifeless body...there she was lying back in bed/covered up apart from the head/neck section...not breathing, anymore...with her mouth wide open.
I really couldn't believe it....to find that this day had finally come...when my mum was no longer here. With no brothers/sisters to speak of...and, coming from a single parent family...I was, now, left all alone to fend for myself in this mean and vicious highly frightening world; a world where I as an autistic person do not trust anybody...that is, apart from my mum...who is, now, gone.
I made up my mind right then and there...to not let my feelings show too much...but, instead, to just simply bear it...then, when I'm alone I could more properly grieve by letting those feelings out.
I recall Trevor saying, 'she looks really peaceful'. There was some considerable truth to that statement. No more doctors/drugs/machines/drips/-etc. No more worrying will she get better or not; no more highly invasive 'tests'.
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My mum didn't want to come in to hospital to be treated by doctors; instead, she much preferred to treat herself...by telling me what medicines she needed: Belladonna plaster/Vicks/Drapoline Cream/Paracetamol/Surgical Spirit/Gaviscon/Imodium/Glucose Sweets/-etc.; however, in the last few weeks, I knew that situation could not last for too much longer...especially when she wasn't moving(I had to turn her)...nor eating/drinking, properly...instead, she would end up vomiting everything back up, again; it was then I felt I had no other choice left but to call the doctor in.
When the doctor came -Dr. Henna was her name/from Tulse Hill Medical Practice- she said from having witnessed seeing the situation herself...she honestly believes, in her own opinion, that my mum has just 1 or 2 weeks left to live. This came to me as 'total shock!' So either she dies here at home as is her wish/or, she dies in hospital where they will monitor her. I was advised to call in the family members...and, they can decide exactly what should happen, next; naturally, of course, the family all said...she needs to be taken in to hospital...where they can treat her, properly.
At first, my mum tried to fight it all the way...shouting, 'no, I don't want to go'...when they had moved her from the bed/and, strapped her into an ambulance chair...eventually, she quietened down; but, I myself knew she wasn't happy about it. Even when I saw her in hospital...she said she wasn't happy being there.
My aunt had said...when she was critically ill...
'If I go into hospital; then, I don't believe I will come back out, again.'
...when my mum said exactly the same thing...; just like it was difficult for me to let my aunt go/it was, equally, as difficult to let my mum go. In fact, I don't think I would have done it, in either case...not without the firm request of the family.
-----
Later on, inside of Lewisham Hospital we all went downstairs...to be further informed about what to do when people are bereaved.
- We were given a booklet...explaining who is to be contacted/-etc. How to obtain a Death Certificate which needs to be registered within 5 days of patients death.../to get in touch with funeral directors/offers of counselling services/and, so on.
Sharon offered that I should stay at her place for the night.
Eventually, both Trevor and Millicent drove off home.
Me, Sharon, and, her sister, June...left inside of Sharon's car. -(I wanted to go pick up my bike; but, June said, no; she needs to get back home...so she can get to go to work, tomorrow.)- We did briefly stop at my house to collect some dress items: t-shirt/underwear/socks. Oh, and, I also fed the cat; and, let her out.
We dropped off June/and, went over to Sharon's home. I spoke to her husband Geoff for a bit...talking about the loss.
I spent the night sleeping on Sharon's sofa...covered up in a blanket. But, frankly, I didn't get too much sleep...instead, I just felt extremely restless...being in a different location/and, through having just gone and lost my mum. Lots and lots to 'think' about...
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