Wednesday 4th August 2021 10:15 PM GMT This morning I received a phone call from Winnie stating that my first cousin Merlene had died...possibly, yesterday(she wasn't sure).
-(Her brother, Gary, my elder cousin...did not phone me to keep me informed; not exactly too surprisingly...I neither talk to Merlene/nor Gary...finding them far too aggressive for my own taste. I would prefer to live my life as quiet and peaceful as is possible. I don't wish to have continual unnecessary arguments/or, fights.)-
Whenever you get such really bad news...and, it is 'bad' news...whether friend or foe...it's still a 'close' family member...it makes you take in a 'deep breath'...to realise that somebody who you grew up with as a child...; and, knew right throughout your entire lifetime...is, now, completely gone from off the planet...to never be seen/or, heard from ever, again. Honestly, it comes as a bit of a 'shock'...; and, therefore, does take some time to be able to 'sink in'...?!
Nevertheless, I do have to admit...that when she died we were no longer on talking terms, anymore. But, also, I am very deeply grateful to some kind things she had done me in the past. No 'close' relationship is entirely all good/or, all bad; instead, it's more a case of having loads of up's and down's; and, I suppose, that's because no human being is 'perfect'!
In my own personal opinion, I suspect, she might have been BiPolar...so, one day, if you went and visited her by knocking at her door...she would be in a good mood...quite happy to receive you, and, let you in...in a very warm and friendly manner...even, offering you food; and, on another day, she would be in a bad mood...not even opening up the door...talking to you, instead, through a top window! Because of her odd ways...I mostly tended to stay the hell away from her as much as is possible, quite frankly.
One time, she even went and told me that both me and my mum don't own the house/flat we were living in; basically, showing us not one single ounce of respect...which, well and truly, disgusted me...to the point that I just decided to keep my distance as far as is possible.
I recall when I spoke to her over the phone about her daughter, Michelle, having gone and spat in my mum's face at Stockwell Post Office; and, her reply was totally unsympathetic/uncaring...almost as if she were 'proud' of that fact. She seemed to be interested in taking revenge for past wrongs...whether real/or, imagined that my mum might have done to her in the past. Any cousin who is against either me/or, my mum...I do NOT like; and, will stay the hell away from.
Another time she gave me a phone call...stating that I needed a 'bullet in the head!' Well, what the hell can one expect from a Rastafarian ganga smoker...quite obviously, she must have smoked a bit too much; so, not a lot of her bad behaviours did exactly surprise me. She used to smoke weed as a Rastafarian even when I was a child; though, her own mum was against it.
Speaking of her mum...she didn't teach her children to have much respect for me, my mum, or, my aunt...and, we 3 were always a single unit. So, it was a case of living with family factions...; and, sometimes, family factions can be, really and truly, bad. (If you read about the history of the Royal Family in England...you will see that they even used to put one another to death; thus, proving whether you have money or not...living with jealous/or, spiteful family can be sheer bitter hell!)
On the other hand, she did give birth to my cousin, Andrew; who I pretty much got along with really well...; up until the last years of his life...when, again, we were not on speaking terms, anymore. I felt hurt about the way his side of the family did treat me/and, my mum...(my aunt had already died...but, the family were jealous that we had inherited her house)...with nil respect, sometimes; so, I actually went and said so...telling him, "we are not family." After that statement...all conversation and mixing up between us ceased. But, what really should have happened is...; he should have asked the question 'why, do you think that?!' I felt that his uncle, Gary/Merlene's brother...should not have over-stayed inside of my mum's council flat...; we told him he should stay there for only 6 months; and, sure enough, at the end of 6 months...the guy insisted on staying on. In fact, I actually believe he wanted to take over my mum's flat as being his own. -(I cannot believe that neither Merlene/Andrew did not know anything about it; in fact, I'm pretty damned sure, Merlene herself did everything she possibly could to encourage Gary's bad behaviour towards us.)- Again, I was just totally disgusted by their behaviour...; which is why I stayed away from them as far as possible; the more you get deeply entangled with such people...the worse and worse your own life becomes...thus, I decided to keep away.
It's an odd thing whenever somebody dies...as it brings up some tears...inside of both your mind/heart...; but, those tears are not necessarily all tears of sympathy for when you DID get along/they are also tears of pain...for the times when you did NOT get along.
As it is, I do very much doubt my family are going to invite me over to the funeral; because that side of the family did not keep in contact with me...; and, nor me, with them. Frankly, I do greatly fear them...I worry they may want to hurt me in some way...; being mean, selfish, greedy...wanting to take all that I got for themselves...and, basically, having absolutely no conscience...; the kind of people who will jump up and down on your grave and laugh! Why would anybody wish to crawl in bed with a potential 'snake'...; rather you just wish to keep a perfectly 'safe' distance, instead.
I wouldn't feel so bad towards them...if I was trying to 'attack' them...or, 'take anything away from them'...but, the truth is, I did not even try...for fear they would kill me, immediately, straight way. So, when you haven't done these kinds of people anything wrong..; and, they are still interested only in attacking you...and, being totally malicious towards you...looking down at you...talking really bad about you...behind your back...even, plotting against you/and, always wanting what's yours...so, you just keep the hell away...to avoid having any further problems, in future.
CONCLUSION
I respect my cousin, Merlene, was a 'warrior woman'...always, ready and willing, to stand up and fight her ground...for whatever she did believe in; and, will always tend to think of her in that way. May Dear God bless and keep her soul in Heaven...may she long...RIP!
Thanks for all the good things you have done for me and my family; and, I forgive you for all the many wrongs.
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