Wed 090823

 Wed 090823 17:19 PM GMT Money worries...constant struggle to keep one's head above water...?! Too, struggles with old age.../ill health.

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MONEY PROBLEMS HAUNTING ME LIKE MAD

Today, I had to go and pay £50.00 worth of bills; because my current a/c. said nil balance. The only savings I have left in the world is just £350.00. It takes around £500.00 per quarter to keep the house running...gas bill/electric bill/water rate/tv licence/phone and internet/also, multiple other loans still needing to be paid off/-etc.

Can't afford to go fix up the house...that's, gradually, crumbling down all around me.../roof leaking in multiple places, all together at once, when it rains/dry rot setting in/dampness/mould.

So, frankly, I find myself constantly worrying about what in the hell am I going to do, next...?! As I'm walking along the streets...I find myself, sometimes, talking to myself; and, asking myself the exact same question over again and again: 'What am I going to do? What am i going to do...?!' And, I can't think of any clear answer...; far from seeing things getting any better...; i can only see them getting worse and worse...like what happens when 'all' of my savings runs out...; and, I got nowhere else to get help/and, nobody else to turn to...???

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DEALING WITH TOO MUCH STRESS/ENDLESS WORRY

At the same time, I try my best to not look too down...; lest other people might notice it/or, be affected by my own damned 'miserable' mood themselves. One has to keep up pleasant appearances in order to please the rest of the world around you.

The other thing I keep on thinking is...too much worry is not good for you. It is by doing too much worrying why some people end up going completely 'mad'...!

So, I try to take things as 'lightly' as possible...and, think about good things....such as how beautiful is the sky/clouds/flowers/trees/birds/bees/-etc. I still have a place to live in...got a 'safe' roof over my head...and, a warm comfortable bed to sleep in/-etc. -(Though, another part of my mind tends to wonder...what will happen when all of that is gone...?!)-

Also, I have some computing skills...; and, can type 60 w.p.m...; so, I'm not totally useless, hopeless, or, dumb!

Anything good I can think of...to try and take my mind off doing constant endless worrying.

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STRUGGLING TO KEEP FIT...LAZY/DEPRESSED/-ETC.

The other great difficulty I'm having is being totally 'out of shape'. I do try and exercise every now and then; but, most unfortunately, I don't tend to stick with doing any 'regular' keep fit routine for very long...; 'start and stop' has always been the very same training pattern I've used right thoughout my life...even as a child.

Then, when I let myself get completely 'out of shape'...; I find I can hardly run 10 yards...without out breathing out really loud just like a horse....huffing and puffing away.

It's embarrassing to see me attempting to run on the streets...usually, because I find I'm 'late' to an appointment...; running at an incredibly 'slow' pace of just 3 m.p.h; and, still being left breathless...having to stop...due to fearing -if I push too much- I might just have a heart attack...?! I wish I was kidding...; but, the truth is, I'm not. Yes, things are really that bad.

Then, I go back to when I was 'younger'...say half my age of 60...at 30, I swear, I could still 'walk/run/move'. But, now-a-days, really very little or nothing. I have to ask myself what the hell happened to make my health run down so 'fast'...?! If an older person stops training...they get 'stiff/slow/lacking in stamina' in next to no time...say within a week.

You see a 'young' person can get fit fast...as they can push themselves really hard. But, an unfit older person...has to push themselves both patiently and slow...; they cannot force/or, hurry it...; otherwise, they will simply end up doing themself some sort of serious injury.

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NECK PAIN

I woke up this morning...with severe pain in my neck. Something about the pillow I sleep on...it's not firm enough. And, the position of the TV is off to the side of the bed...; thus, in order to view the TV...I have to 'turn/twist'. All of this results in 'bad sleep/poor rest'.

When I awoke my neck was hurting so damned bad...that I had to both 'slowly and painfully' move off the bed. I actually thought about going to visit seeing the hospital 'accident and emergency'...just to discover what must be going wrong...?!

Instead, I went off down to the kitchen...and, putting on the electric kettle, I filled up a small sized 'hot water bottle'...which I placed around my neck...for up to 1/2 an hour long; and, much to my own surprise, the 'heat' seemed to treat the 'neck/back' injury well; as I found I could move a bit better, now...as the warm muscle seem to relax more. This house is just far too cold, I think; it freezes one's muscles.

Right now, the sun is shining...so, things are a little bit warmer; but, then, all the time, I'm very deeply 'aware'...that we are now in the middle of August...and, Winter is coming...with both the 'bitter cold'/and, too, 'the constant rain'

The chimney pot is leaning the wrong way...I wonder if the Winter winds are going to blow it down...; and, if it does fall...will it crash into the roof...producing a next leak to be fixed/or, will it fall on somebody who is passing by...and, thus, end up hurting them...?! I don't know...; all I do know is this much...I don't have the money to pay builders to put up scaffolding to go fix/or, replace the chimney pot.

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