8:30 AM AWOKE
Let cat in from the back garden; and, fed her.
This time she chose to stay in/and, not go back out, immediately, right away.
She, eventually, went back out close to 9 AM.
8:25 AM CHECKED MY CURRENT A/C BALANCE/JSA PAYMENT WENT THROUGH, SUCCESSFULLY
My JSA payment successfully went through.
8:30 AM PAID TALKTALK £80.00/(50+30)
https://www.talktalk.co.uk
My previous TalkTalk balance said £130.00 CR. I just made another online payment to them of £50+£30=£80; so, this means I now have a balance of £210.00 CR(balance confirmed online).
This means, I should have enough credit left to pay for the rest of this year: DEC19/and, also, for the next 6 months of 2020 (I owe £30.00 monthly/7 x 3 = 21).
Ultimately, I should like 1 year of TalkTalk monthly bills having been paid in advance; then, I wouldn't have to worry about having to go pay them until whenever next year comes: JAN/21. This means, I still have to pay them: (6 x 3 = 18) = £180.00.
8:55 AM CHECKED MY OYSTER TRAVEL CARD BALANCE: £51.90 CR
https://tfl.gov.uk
I signed into my TFL-Transport For London a/c. to check what the balance said.
All pre-payments I made have been successfully transferred onto the card; and, the current balance now says £51.90 CR.
I noted that I was charged just 70p for any 2 bus journeys...going along in the one same direction...as you are not charged for continuation of a journey...providing that both bus journeys take place under a certain specific amount of time.
70p is, in fact, the 'discount' applied charge; because I'm using a discounted Oyster travel card which lasts up until May when I will have to remember to renew the discount travel option at Streatham Job Centre, again.
9:12 AM TOPPED UP MY OYSTER TRAVEL CARD BALANCE: £20.00
I topped up my Oyster travel card balance with £20.00; the balance should now say £71.90 CR.
My idea is ultimately to leave an Oyster travel card balance of, at least, £100.00+; and, in this way I shouldn't need to have to worry about travelling using different forms of London transport, namely: bus/tube/train.
I now have the goal set to deposit a further £30.00, at least.
09:29 AM PAID CASHPLUS £22.00
Cashplus Telephone number: 0330 024 0924.
I paid Cashplus £22.00 (I wanted to pay £20/but, they insisted that the minimum payment is £22).
This leaves me with a balance still to pay off of: -£218.00 DR.
11:30 PM PAID CASHPLUS LOAN OFF IN FULL: £220.00
I had £220.00 in cash; and, so, I decided to completely pay off the Cashplus loan I'd taken out; thus, saving myself from having to pay £15.00 monthly in borrowing fee charges.
My CashPlus balance now says: £2.00 CR.
11:45-4 PM VISITED KINGSWOOD HOUSE FOR DULWICH PICTURE GALLERY ART SESSION
I decided to go and visit the DWP teaching session at Kingswood House...; we copied Rembrandt printouts.
The exercise was related to learning more about 'painting' techniques. Basically, instead, of choosing to go copy a whole entire painting; they decided, instead, to concentrate on just a part/small section of the painting...then, try your best to imitate that.
First, get some colours: red/blue/yellow(brownish yellow); and, then, try mixing colours to match whichever section of the painting we choose; also, name the colours...such as chin/hair/background/-etc.
Then, you go and do a small copy; and, at the end of the session we shared our paintings with others for further comments.
Because I have ADD/Attention Deficit Disorder...leading to a really low attention span; as usual, I went and did my own thing...rather than following what the others were doing in the group.
My idea was to simply draw the Rembrandt man I had chosen using paint; at first, my painted copy was meant to be 'loose'...and, then, gradually refine it more and more, later on. However, in reality, I discovered that the finer I tried to work...then, the more muddier and muddier my work became...thus, eventually, I stopped trying; and, just left it there. Drew on the back a 'female nude'; then, went and got some more paper to practice drawing Jesus Christ head/hand; on another paper I drew Christ head/and, Christ on the cross the other side. Finally, I gave away my drawings/painting to another Paxton Green Time Bank member called: Stella, I believe is her name; she seems to like collecting my artworks; and, has collected, at least, one drawing/painting I did way back.
NOTE: At the close of the session; I briefly saw my Aikido teacher appear...it must be evening class today, Wednesday. Anyway, I said a quick hello...; and, showed him some of my drawing/painting. But, I didn't stop to mention anything about why I'm not attending Aikido, anymore(which I, really and truly, miss going to quite beyond words).
CONCLUSION
I enjoyed the drawing/painting session using paint; but, quite honestly, I should have been in Lewisham hospital visiting my mum/and, also, asking the doctors a few questions, instead.
I will try and go there, now...; but, already, it's too late...the doctors are there from 10 AM-4 PM...and, the time now is 4:55 PM; so, I've actually gone and missed seeing them/or, being able to ask them anything.
16:58 PM CHECKED MY CURRENT A/C. BALANCE: £6.56p
I just went and checked my current a/c. balance using the phone...and, was not too happy to have to realise I have a balance of just £6.56p left.
5 PM CHECKED ANSWER MACHINE MESSAGES - URGENT PHONE CALLS...GET TO LEWISHAM HOSPITAL, IMMEDIATELY...BECAUSE MUM'S HAD A TURN FOR THE WORSE
Constantly,when I was at Kingswood House doing the drawing/painting course; I was thinking about my critically ill mum lying back in her hospital bed...not moving/not eating/not drinking...each time she tried eating/drinking she would end up vomiting it all back up, again; they had given her an IV/Intavenous drip to make sure she was getting an intake of necessary fluids; but, then, I figured I don't need to go there, right now; because I had already made up my mind to go and visit seeing her during the evening...straight after the course.
Thus, it was a huge surprise to me that when I checked my answer phone to see if any messages had been left...; there were, at least, around 6 messages...I listened to around just 2 of these...all of which said the same thing...'go to Lewisham Hospital without any delay....because your mum has taken a turn for the worse.'
I could have tried taking bus...; but, then, that would mean having to 'wait'; then, wait, again. Wait to take a 68 bus from West Norwood down to Kings College Hospital...then, cross over the road and wait to take a 185. Alternatively, take a 322 bus from West Norwood up to Crystal Palace; then, cross over the road and wait to take a 122 bus to get there. I thought either way is going to be far too 'slow'.
Thus, I decided it might be far quicker to take bike...I rode straight off towards the corner of West Norwood cemetary...Robson Road...going in a straight line....; eventually, I saw a P4 bus...which I read on the front goes over to Lewisham Town Centre. Traffic was running really slow...as it's rush hour....quickly, I rode my bike ahead of the bus...towards the next bus stop...; there I chained up my bike onto the first lamp post I saw; and, then, got onto the P4 bus.
Next, I started thinking to myself...I don't even know where Lewisham Town Center is...; but, I do know that the 185 bus arrives directly outside of the hospital front gate. I asked the driver where can I get a 185...and, he said...at the cross roads...on the main street. So, I got off the bus at the very next bus stop...and, walked around the corner...where I patiently waited for the 185 to come. When the 185 came, I got on...must have been a 20 minute wait...; then, of course, most waiting along the bus journey itself to get there.
All the time, I'm thinking to myself what is going to happen when I arrive at the hospital...what does the term 'mum taken a turn for the worse' mean, exactly? A number of possibilities went through my mind...that she will be hooked up to more machines/with more tubes going into her/-etc. Or, the last possibility is, of course, the utterly unthinkable, 'death'. Quite naturally, I tried to hope only for the best...; and, tried to push out the thought of the worst ever happening.
When, eventually, I did arrive at the hospital. I ran across the road; and, through the entrance gate...I didn't bother inquiring at reception where she was...not wishing to waste any further precious time....because previously I'd been over to Oak's ward...where critical patients are held...needing to be monitored non stop 24 hours...and, therefore, assumed that's where she will, most likely remain.
The next problem, was Oak's ward is located on the 6th floor...; and, frankly, I'm nowhere near as fit as I used to be...when younger...which is when I used to climb up stairs, regularly. Of late, I've gone and done absolutely no stair climbing at all...as I live in a house...not in flats. I walked over to the lifts...where I stayed eagerly pressing the lifts button...only no lift came...; so, I continued pressing...still no lifts came...there were 2 lifts...and, apparently one of these was already out of order.
Eventually, I decided I've had quite enough of this foolishness...I will go climb up the staircase, instead. I found where the staircase was...and, climbed up 6 flights...going as fast as I possibly could...with my legs strength failing/and, also, being totally out of breath. At the top of the stairs...I decided to rest for a bit...just to allow my breathing to steady...so that when I entered the hospital ward I would be able to talk to them properly.
I pressed the ward enter button...and, when the door was released I entered into the ward; the first thing I encountered was the ward reception desk with the nurses all gently smiling at me. The next thing I encountered...where the visitors sit/wait...was two of my cousins: Sharon, and, her sister, June.
They both looked at me...with deeply sympathetic looks on their faces...and, even tried to rub my arm; but, frankly, I wasn't interested in any of that...I didn't come to the hospital to go see them; instead, I came there only to see my my mum. So, the first words that came out through my mouth were both impatient and loud: "Where's my mum?"
They said that neither of them had been allowed to see her, yet...; but, they are going to allow us to see her, later. In the mean time, we were asked to wait sitting inside of the reception area. By then I had already figured that something had gone extremely wrong....and, that most likely she had already died. I walked into the wrong ward...looking for where my mum was...I think, it was the 2nd bed on the left; however, I saw somebody else inside of the at bed; I looked all around the rest of the same ward...and, she wasn't there. So, I came back out, again...and, sat there waiting patiently. They asked me, do I want tea...no! Do I want to sit down, no! Do I wish to indulge in sympathetic talk, no! I'm not even interested in anything else; but, only seeing my mum.
Later on, two more cousins came...Millicent and Trevor. More talk.
Finally, they led us into the ward...; where we all sat down in chairs...observing the lifeless body...there she was lying back in bed/covered up apart from the head/neck section...not breathing, anymore...with her mouth wide open.
I really couldn't believe it....to find that this day had finally come...when my mum was no longer here. With no brothers/sisters to speak of...and, coming from a single parent family...I was, now, left all alone to fend for myself in this mean and vicious highly frightening world; a world where I as an autistic person do not trust anybody...that is, apart from my mum...who is, now, gone.
I made up my mind right then and there...to not let my feelings show too much...but, instead, to just simply bear it...then, when I'm alone I could more properly grieve by letting those feelings out.
I recall Trevor saying, 'she looks really peaceful'. There was some considerable truth to that statement. No more doctors/drugs/machines/drips/-etc. No more worrying will she get better or not; no more highly invasive 'tests'.
-----
My mum didn't want to come in to hospital to be treated by doctors; instead, she much preferred to treat herself...by telling me what medicines she needed: Belladonna plaster/Vicks/Drapoline Cream/Paracetamol/Surgical Spirit/Gaviscon/Imodium/Glucose Sweets/-etc.; however, in the last few weeks, I knew that situation could not last for too much longer...especially when she wasn't moving(I had to turn her)...nor eating/drinking, properly...instead, she would end up vomiting everything back up, again; it was then I felt I had no other choice left but to call the doctor in.
When the doctor came -Dr. Henna was her name/from Tulse Hill Medical Practice- she said from having witnessed seeing the situation herself...she honestly believes, in her own opinion, that my mum has just 1 or 2 weeks left to live. This came to me as 'total shock!' So either she dies here at home as is her wish/or, she dies in hospital where they will monitor her. I was advised to call in the family members...and, they can decide exactly what should happen, next; naturally, of course, the family all said...she needs to be taken in to hospital...where they can treat her, properly.
At first, my mum tried to fight it all the way...shouting, 'no, I don't want to go'...when they had moved her from the bed/and, strapped her into an ambulance chair...eventually, she quietened down; but, I myself knew she wasn't happy about it. Even when I saw her in hospital...she said she wasn't happy being there.
My aunt had said...when she was critically ill...
'If I go into hospital; then, I don't believe I will come back out, again.'
...when my mum said exactly the same thing...; just like it was difficult for me to let my aunt go/it was, equally, as difficult to let my mum go. In fact, I don't think I would have done it, in either case...not without the firm request of the family.
-----
Later on, inside of Lewisham Hospital we all went downstairs...to be further informed about what to do when people are bereaved.
- We were given a booklet...explaining who is to be contacted/-etc. How to obtain a Death Certificate which needs to be registered within 5 days of patients death.../to get in touch with funeral directors/offers of counselling services/and, so on.
Sharon offered that I should stay at her place for the night.
Eventually, both Trevor and Millicent drove off home.
Me, Sharon, and, her sister, June...left inside of Sharon's car. -(I wanted to go pick up my bike; but, June said, no; she needs to get back home...so she can get to go to work, tomorrow.)- We did briefly stop at my house to collect some dress items: t-shirt/underwear/socks. Oh, and, I also fed the cat; and, let her out.
We dropped off June/and, went over to Sharon's home. I spoke to her husband Geoff for a bit...talking about the loss.
I spent the night sleeping on Sharon's sofa...covered up in a blanket. But, frankly, I didn't get too much sleep...instead, I just felt extremely restless...being in a different location/and, through having just gone and lost my mum. Lots and lots to 'think' about...
Wednesday, 27 November 2019
Tuesday, 26 November 2019
Tue 261119 Cashplus 2 x payments/JSA payment arriving tomorrow/Hospital called/Went hospital: 432, then, 122 bus/185, then, 68 back
6 AM AWOKE/LET CAT IN/FED HER
I awoke somewhere around 5:30 AM; then, I remembered to go let in the cat from the backgarden; at the same time, I gave her a packet of Whiskas liquid food. The dry food she doesn't seem to be interested in, anymore; because, I think, she want's something 'fresh'.
9 AM PHONED CASHPLUS/PAID £22.00 + £24.64 = £46.64
I knew I had missed this month's CashPlus iDraft loan monthly payment; thus, it was very important to call them, immediately on: 0330 024 0924.
I explained that I'm calling to...
- find out what is the current balance still owing? -£286.64 DR
- and, to make this months monthly payment £22.00 + £24.64 (the balance now says £240.00)
- also, I seem to have trouble accessing my a/c. online (they said they would send me a Key Code to arrive in 5/10 days time)
9:15 AM PHONED STREATHAM JOB CENTRE...BECAUSE BENEFIT MONEY NOT APPEARING ON MY CURRENT A/C.
I phoned Streatham job centre to explain that although I signed on last week; my benefits money did not come through...which it usually does on Tuesday.
However, I did miss Thursday's sign on...due my mother being extremely ill; and, therefore, did sign on the following day, Friday.
The reply I got back from the lady was...because you signed on 1 day late...therefore, your benefit money will turn up 1 day, later on, that is usual; but, she did check...and, it does appear that everything's gone through ok.
I told her I'll just simply wait until when tomorrow comes.
10:30 PM NURSE FROM LEWISHAM HOSPITAL CALLED
I got a phone call from Lewisham hospital...where the female nurse requested to know what medications my mother had been taking...
I simply grabbed 3 x draws...and, some other plastic holders...and, then, reeled off the list of contents I saw...I explained that I don't know if she takes either this or that, regularly; as she does entirely as she pleases...taking whatever when.
- Surgical Spirit
- Baby Oil
- Imodium
- Paracetamol 500 Mg
- Drapolene cream
- etc.
11 PM SHARON CALLED EXPLAINING THE NURSE AT THE HOSPITAL HAD TRIED TO GET IN TOUCH WITH HER, FIRST
She explained to the nurse that called that she doesn't live with my mum; instead, I do...therefore, she gave the nurse my own phone number, instead.
Sharon said the nurse should have asked for my mum's doctor details...which she did not.
When I said my mum sometimes goes to see an alternative therapist, as well; Sharon said I should find the name/address of the surgery and also include it for the nurse.
She mentioned I should clear up the house; and, throw out the loads of unnecessary papers...because, potentially, it could prove to be a fire hazard.
She told me get in touch with the Electric company who owe my mum money for over-payment; and, get that money refunded to her.
She also said her sister, June, might be visiting the hospital, today.
And, basically, we left the conversation there.
4 PM TOOK 432 BUS TO CRYSTAL PALACE...; NEXT, TOOK 122 BUS TO LADYWELL
I walked up Ernest Avenue...to take a 432 bus to Crystal Palace. From Crystal Palace I crossed over the road...and, took a 122 bus to Ladywell. Got off at Ladywell station...and, walked over the bridge; then, right around the corner for around 200 or so yards...this led me straight towards Lewisham University Hospital.
My mum's bed has moved from Chesnut ward to Oak ward...which is for the severely ill, I'm afraid.
She still isn't keeping down any drink/food; and, keeps on vomiting it all back up, again; the end result of this which has been going on for weeks is she is weak/thin/frail; and, frankly, it scares me that she might well be at Death's door. She can hardly pick up a pen to see/or, write anything onto a piece of paper; and, has great difficulty adjusting her position in bed...somebody else has to move her.
The good thing about it is...at least, now, she has 24 hours supervision...and, by expert nurses/doctors; whereas, I could not be counted on to do this all alone by myself; also, there are people who wash/bathe her/and, take care of her bladder/bowel movements.
I'm sincerely hoping that the doctors will be able to find a way to treat her stomach complaint...which, last time, they suggested was due to a kidney infection. Because, until that it treated...; she will not be able to ingest anything without it coming straight back up, again; thus, she is likely to get even weaker and weaker still. However, they said the doctors are still in the process of doing tests.
I took a piece of paper...onto which I did a quick sketch of my mum lying there inside of her hospital bed...which I did not choose to take home; instead, I left it there...dated: 261119/signed with my initials: pmr. Furthermore, the paper had gotten wet...so, it was really weak...not working keeping.
I think, in all I must have stayed there around 1 hour or so long; then, I left to take the bus back home. This time I got a 185 bus...back to Kings College Hospital, Denmark Hill; crossed over the road, then, took the 68 back to West Norwood bus station.
I told the nurses at the desk that they've got the spelling of my mum's name all wrong; and, I wrote down on a piece of paper what is the right spelling; I also included my mum's birth date/address/phone number/-etc. I don't know that these 'temporary' nurses are going to do with that info. most probably lose it, I guess; thus, forcing me to go write all the of the same info. down, once more.
CONCLUSION
Whether my mum makes it out of hospital this time or not...; because she is, after all, aged 93+; therefore, I feel at some point I'm going to have to learn how to face life being all on my own; and, I admit I'm not really up to it...will need to count on family members/as well as, strangers to help me get through.
I awoke somewhere around 5:30 AM; then, I remembered to go let in the cat from the backgarden; at the same time, I gave her a packet of Whiskas liquid food. The dry food she doesn't seem to be interested in, anymore; because, I think, she want's something 'fresh'.
9 AM PHONED CASHPLUS/PAID £22.00 + £24.64 = £46.64
I knew I had missed this month's CashPlus iDraft loan monthly payment; thus, it was very important to call them, immediately on: 0330 024 0924.
I explained that I'm calling to...
- find out what is the current balance still owing? -£286.64 DR
- and, to make this months monthly payment £22.00 + £24.64 (the balance now says £240.00)
- also, I seem to have trouble accessing my a/c. online (they said they would send me a Key Code to arrive in 5/10 days time)
9:15 AM PHONED STREATHAM JOB CENTRE...BECAUSE BENEFIT MONEY NOT APPEARING ON MY CURRENT A/C.
I phoned Streatham job centre to explain that although I signed on last week; my benefits money did not come through...which it usually does on Tuesday.
However, I did miss Thursday's sign on...due my mother being extremely ill; and, therefore, did sign on the following day, Friday.
The reply I got back from the lady was...because you signed on 1 day late...therefore, your benefit money will turn up 1 day, later on, that is usual; but, she did check...and, it does appear that everything's gone through ok.
I told her I'll just simply wait until when tomorrow comes.
10:30 PM NURSE FROM LEWISHAM HOSPITAL CALLED
I got a phone call from Lewisham hospital...where the female nurse requested to know what medications my mother had been taking...
I simply grabbed 3 x draws...and, some other plastic holders...and, then, reeled off the list of contents I saw...I explained that I don't know if she takes either this or that, regularly; as she does entirely as she pleases...taking whatever when.
- Surgical Spirit
- Baby Oil
- Imodium
- Paracetamol 500 Mg
- Drapolene cream
- etc.
11 PM SHARON CALLED EXPLAINING THE NURSE AT THE HOSPITAL HAD TRIED TO GET IN TOUCH WITH HER, FIRST
She explained to the nurse that called that she doesn't live with my mum; instead, I do...therefore, she gave the nurse my own phone number, instead.
Sharon said the nurse should have asked for my mum's doctor details...which she did not.
When I said my mum sometimes goes to see an alternative therapist, as well; Sharon said I should find the name/address of the surgery and also include it for the nurse.
She mentioned I should clear up the house; and, throw out the loads of unnecessary papers...because, potentially, it could prove to be a fire hazard.
She told me get in touch with the Electric company who owe my mum money for over-payment; and, get that money refunded to her.
She also said her sister, June, might be visiting the hospital, today.
And, basically, we left the conversation there.
4 PM TOOK 432 BUS TO CRYSTAL PALACE...; NEXT, TOOK 122 BUS TO LADYWELL
I walked up Ernest Avenue...to take a 432 bus to Crystal Palace. From Crystal Palace I crossed over the road...and, took a 122 bus to Ladywell. Got off at Ladywell station...and, walked over the bridge; then, right around the corner for around 200 or so yards...this led me straight towards Lewisham University Hospital.
My mum's bed has moved from Chesnut ward to Oak ward...which is for the severely ill, I'm afraid.
She still isn't keeping down any drink/food; and, keeps on vomiting it all back up, again; the end result of this which has been going on for weeks is she is weak/thin/frail; and, frankly, it scares me that she might well be at Death's door. She can hardly pick up a pen to see/or, write anything onto a piece of paper; and, has great difficulty adjusting her position in bed...somebody else has to move her.
The good thing about it is...at least, now, she has 24 hours supervision...and, by expert nurses/doctors; whereas, I could not be counted on to do this all alone by myself; also, there are people who wash/bathe her/and, take care of her bladder/bowel movements.
I'm sincerely hoping that the doctors will be able to find a way to treat her stomach complaint...which, last time, they suggested was due to a kidney infection. Because, until that it treated...; she will not be able to ingest anything without it coming straight back up, again; thus, she is likely to get even weaker and weaker still. However, they said the doctors are still in the process of doing tests.
I took a piece of paper...onto which I did a quick sketch of my mum lying there inside of her hospital bed...which I did not choose to take home; instead, I left it there...dated: 261119/signed with my initials: pmr. Furthermore, the paper had gotten wet...so, it was really weak...not working keeping.
I think, in all I must have stayed there around 1 hour or so long; then, I left to take the bus back home. This time I got a 185 bus...back to Kings College Hospital, Denmark Hill; crossed over the road, then, took the 68 back to West Norwood bus station.
I told the nurses at the desk that they've got the spelling of my mum's name all wrong; and, I wrote down on a piece of paper what is the right spelling; I also included my mum's birth date/address/phone number/-etc. I don't know that these 'temporary' nurses are going to do with that info. most probably lose it, I guess; thus, forcing me to go write all the of the same info. down, once more.
CONCLUSION
Whether my mum makes it out of hospital this time or not...; because she is, after all, aged 93+; therefore, I feel at some point I'm going to have to learn how to face life being all on my own; and, I admit I'm not really up to it...will need to count on family members/as well as, strangers to help me get through.
Sunday, 24 November 2019
Mon 251119 /Sharon rung/Latest PGTB time Schedule/Topped up: TFL/TalkTalk/TV License/FAJ/GPO/Brixton/Stockwell/Vauxhall
6 AM WOKE UP/LET THE CAT IN/FED HER
I woke up somewhere around 6 AM.
The first thing I thought of was to go and let the cat in...from the back garden; and, feed her.
Then, I kept her inside of the house this time...she seems to want to be an 'outdoor' cat...; and, I'm not really sure I want that; which is to say, as soon as I've fed her...she instantly runs back outside into the back garden, again; and, then, I find it very difficult attempting to get her to come back in especially after her stomach is already full.
In particular, I fear that she might be going into other people's houses...who may be feeding her, instead; because when I call her...she doesn't always come...especially, when it's feeding time...which she normally would do.
7:35 AM SHARON RANG ME TO REMIND ME TO GO TO BRIXTON TO CHECK OUT ID NEEDED TO ACCESS FUNDS
I got a phone call from Sharon...asking me to give her the 'latest' news in regards to my mum. I told her about Trevor and Millicent's hospital visit, yesterday; as well as, my own cancelled journey.
She also told me that today is now Monday; and, I should remember to go down to Brixton to sort out what ID might be needed to access funds.
She also mentioned that either the 185/75 busses do go to Lewisham Hospital. One you can get from Oval or Vauxhall/another from Crystal Palace.
I thanked her very much for the reminder; wished her a nice day; and, then, closed our conversation.
7:40 AM THOUGHTS
The time is now 7:40 AM...and, my thinking is...I'm continuing with my usual routine...which I was doing before my mum had entered hospital.
Namely, I go and get 3 copies of the FREE Metro newspaper from West Norwood train station; then, come back home to deposit/store it.
I then go and make breakfast/food/drink...
I also go and do everything the same money wise.
So, in many ways, very little has changed...except my mum is no longer here with me, anymore. Hopefully, she will get better...; and, will be back, again, in future...that's what I'm sincerely both hoping and praying for.
One thing that has changed is, I'm afraid, I stopped doing any studying online: YouTube/Open University/Udemy/Skillshare/-etc.; due to my not being able to fully concentrate.
As my feelings of ever constant worrying...how will my mum fare...will she come out of hospital/or, not...?! Also dealing with feelings of 'depression' does very slowly lift...; then, I'm sure, I will return back to doing some more online studying; sometimes, one needs studying in order to distract one...from always thinking about the self/or, others
1:30 PM WENT TO SLEEP/AWOKE
I'm really not too sure exactly what time I went to bed to catch up on getting some further sleep...; but, I do know that I was lying in bed watching TV...when I must have suddenly dropped off.
Anyway, I awoke close to 1:30 PM...all the time thinking that Lewisham Hospital visiting hours are from: 2 PM-8 PM.
However, in the mean time, I still have few other very important tasks to attend to.
1:35 PM SORTED OUT PLUGS/EQUIPMENT BEHIND TV
Decided to sort out of the wire mess behind the TV area; where there are 2 multi-plugs...much to my surprise one of these multi-plugs is not actually in use anymore; therefore, I packed all of the related wires/equipment into a single plastic bag; and, at least, behind the TV looks slightly less cluttered, now.
1:45 PM PGTB/KEMI RUNG ME/PGTB LATEST TIME SCHEDULE
Paxton Green Time Bank support worker: Kemi, phoned me. She told me the 'latest' schedule is as follows...
Wed 27 Nov 19 10AM-4PM Kingswood house/lunch/DWP-Dulwich Picture Gallery workshop
Thu 28 Nov 19 11AM-4PM Kingswood house/mixed workshops
eBay seller: Photography/eBay/GumTree/...selling workshop - no specific date(early DEC19, possibly)
Shakespeare Globe(sometime DEC19/winter concert/sitting seats-not standing)
2 PM TOPPED UP MY OYSTER TRAVEL CARD WITH £15.00
https://tfl.gov.uk
I signed into my TFL-Transport For London online a/c.; and, topped it up with £15.00 credit.
So, if the balance before was £18.xx; and, I add £15.00 to that...I should now have a balance left of: £33.xx.
2:10 PM TOPPED UP MY TALKTALK A/C. WITH £35.00
https://www.talktalk.co.uk
I topped up my TalkTalk a/c. with £35.00; this should leave me with a balance of £130.00 credit.
The monthly bill -(due to be paid on the 11th of each month)- is somewhere around £30.00; thus, at least, 4 months should already be covered, now; this month Nov19 has already been paid on the 11th; so that means the credit should last through to: DEC19/JAN20/FEB20/MAR20.
2:20 PM DID ONLINE JOB SEARCH: 10 APPLICATIONS
https://www.findajob.gov.uk
I completed doing 10 x online job searches.
2:30 PM TOPPED UP TV LICENCE: £30
https://www.tvlicensing.co.uk
I went to my online TV Licence a/c.; and, topped up the balance by paying: £30.00.
3 PM WENT ROSEBERRY'S/COLLECTED SOME FREE AUCTION CATLOGUES
As I was going down the road...I stopped in two places...
-> Eammaus, to see what art they have there for sale
-> Roseberry's, to both see the art/and, also, collect some FREE auction catalogues
3:30 PM WEST NORWOOD POST OFFICE
I deposited £50.00 into my current a/c.
4 PM RETURNED HOME TO DROP OFF CATALOGUES
The 8 or so auction catalogues I picked up were really heavy to carry inside of a single bag; so, I decided as I'm still so close to home...might as well go home, and, leave them there...that way I don't have to carry it around with me all evening long.
4:30 PM BRIXTON/SORTED
The first trip I made was to Brixton...without going into too much details...the Brixton trip went ok.
5 PM STOCKWELL/PICKED UP THE LETTERS...NOTHING IMPORTANT/JUST ADVERTS
My second trip was over to Stockwell, Beckett House; to go and pick up any letters.
5:30 PM STOCKWELL TUBE STATION - TOPPED UP MY OYSTER CARD: £20.00
I put £20.00 on my Oyster travel card at Stockwell tube station. My current balance now says: £38.40 credit(with another £15.00 to be added on when I touch my card against the yellow card reader when taking a bus...as I already topped up with £15.00 online earlier).
6 PM VAUXHALL...BIRTH/DEATH REGISTRATION PLACE MOVED TO BRIXTON TOWN HALL
My third trip was to Vauxhall 'birth and death' registrations...to get a copy of my birth certificate; I discovered they are no longer there...and, in fact, have moved back to Brixton Town Hall. So, maybe, I will visit Brixton Town Hall, tomorrow.
7 PM WORKED OUT HOW TO GET TO LEWISHAM BY BUS FROM VAUXHALL STATION
Also, at Vauxhall station...I discovered that at Bus stop C...there are two busses that will take you over to Lewisham...the 436/and, the 185. I think, I need to take the 185 in order to go to Lewisham Hospital.
-(Of course, being on a bike...I couldn't take my bike onto the bus...unless it's a folding bike/which it's not; so, instead, I decided to cycle back home.)-
MISSED VISITING MY MUM IN HOSPITAL, AGAIN, DURING THIS EVENING (2 DAYS IN A ROW)
Most unfortunately, it was far too late to go and visit seeing my mum in hospital. So, I decided to leave it until when tomorrow comes. (It's not easy for me to miss the trip...; as my mum is really old/weak/frail...furthermore, is not eating/drinking properly...so, absolutely anything could happen, next?! Therefore, spending time with her is, indeed, precious. So, my conscience racks me an awful lot. However, if visiting time closes at 8 PM...and, the time is now 7:48 PM; then, it's really quite clear that I'm not going to make it there on time. So there's really very little I can do about it until when tomorrow comes...; in particular, I was thinking of taking her some clothes.)
8:30 PM PHONED BOTH SHARON/MILLICENT TO GIVE THEM THE LATEST UPDATE
I phoned both Sharon/Millicent to give them the 'latest update' about my financial/missed visit situation/missing birth certificate.
9:43 PM HEATING UP SOME FOOD THAT SHARON GAVE ME
Yesterday, Sunday, Sharon gave me some food in Tupperware...which I'd somehow lost inside of the house; however, this evening I found it, again; and, am currently in the process of heating it up, right now. Curry and rice.
.
I woke up somewhere around 6 AM.
The first thing I thought of was to go and let the cat in...from the back garden; and, feed her.
Then, I kept her inside of the house this time...she seems to want to be an 'outdoor' cat...; and, I'm not really sure I want that; which is to say, as soon as I've fed her...she instantly runs back outside into the back garden, again; and, then, I find it very difficult attempting to get her to come back in especially after her stomach is already full.
In particular, I fear that she might be going into other people's houses...who may be feeding her, instead; because when I call her...she doesn't always come...especially, when it's feeding time...which she normally would do.
7:35 AM SHARON RANG ME TO REMIND ME TO GO TO BRIXTON TO CHECK OUT ID NEEDED TO ACCESS FUNDS
I got a phone call from Sharon...asking me to give her the 'latest' news in regards to my mum. I told her about Trevor and Millicent's hospital visit, yesterday; as well as, my own cancelled journey.
She also told me that today is now Monday; and, I should remember to go down to Brixton to sort out what ID might be needed to access funds.
She also mentioned that either the 185/75 busses do go to Lewisham Hospital. One you can get from Oval or Vauxhall/another from Crystal Palace.
I thanked her very much for the reminder; wished her a nice day; and, then, closed our conversation.
7:40 AM THOUGHTS
The time is now 7:40 AM...and, my thinking is...I'm continuing with my usual routine...which I was doing before my mum had entered hospital.
Namely, I go and get 3 copies of the FREE Metro newspaper from West Norwood train station; then, come back home to deposit/store it.
I then go and make breakfast/food/drink...
I also go and do everything the same money wise.
So, in many ways, very little has changed...except my mum is no longer here with me, anymore. Hopefully, she will get better...; and, will be back, again, in future...that's what I'm sincerely both hoping and praying for.
One thing that has changed is, I'm afraid, I stopped doing any studying online: YouTube/Open University/Udemy/Skillshare/-etc.; due to my not being able to fully concentrate.
As my feelings of ever constant worrying...how will my mum fare...will she come out of hospital/or, not...?! Also dealing with feelings of 'depression' does very slowly lift...; then, I'm sure, I will return back to doing some more online studying; sometimes, one needs studying in order to distract one...from always thinking about the self/or, others
1:30 PM WENT TO SLEEP/AWOKE
I'm really not too sure exactly what time I went to bed to catch up on getting some further sleep...; but, I do know that I was lying in bed watching TV...when I must have suddenly dropped off.
Anyway, I awoke close to 1:30 PM...all the time thinking that Lewisham Hospital visiting hours are from: 2 PM-8 PM.
However, in the mean time, I still have few other very important tasks to attend to.
1:35 PM SORTED OUT PLUGS/EQUIPMENT BEHIND TV
Decided to sort out of the wire mess behind the TV area; where there are 2 multi-plugs...much to my surprise one of these multi-plugs is not actually in use anymore; therefore, I packed all of the related wires/equipment into a single plastic bag; and, at least, behind the TV looks slightly less cluttered, now.
1:45 PM PGTB/KEMI RUNG ME/PGTB LATEST TIME SCHEDULE
Paxton Green Time Bank support worker: Kemi, phoned me. She told me the 'latest' schedule is as follows...
Wed 27 Nov 19 10AM-4PM Kingswood house/lunch/DWP-Dulwich Picture Gallery workshop
Thu 28 Nov 19 11AM-4PM Kingswood house/mixed workshops
eBay seller: Photography/eBay/GumTree/...selling workshop - no specific date(early DEC19, possibly)
Shakespeare Globe(sometime DEC19/winter concert/sitting seats-not standing)
https://tfl.gov.uk
I signed into my TFL-Transport For London online a/c.; and, topped it up with £15.00 credit.
So, if the balance before was £18.xx; and, I add £15.00 to that...I should now have a balance left of: £33.xx.
2:10 PM TOPPED UP MY TALKTALK A/C. WITH £35.00
https://www.talktalk.co.uk
I topped up my TalkTalk a/c. with £35.00; this should leave me with a balance of £130.00 credit.
The monthly bill -(due to be paid on the 11th of each month)- is somewhere around £30.00; thus, at least, 4 months should already be covered, now; this month Nov19 has already been paid on the 11th; so that means the credit should last through to: DEC19/JAN20/FEB20/MAR20.
2:20 PM DID ONLINE JOB SEARCH: 10 APPLICATIONS
https://www.findajob.gov.uk
I completed doing 10 x online job searches.
2:30 PM TOPPED UP TV LICENCE: £30
https://www.tvlicensing.co.uk
I went to my online TV Licence a/c.; and, topped up the balance by paying: £30.00.
3 PM WENT ROSEBERRY'S/COLLECTED SOME FREE AUCTION CATLOGUES
As I was going down the road...I stopped in two places...
-> Eammaus, to see what art they have there for sale
-> Roseberry's, to both see the art/and, also, collect some FREE auction catalogues
3:30 PM WEST NORWOOD POST OFFICE
I deposited £50.00 into my current a/c.
4 PM RETURNED HOME TO DROP OFF CATALOGUES
The 8 or so auction catalogues I picked up were really heavy to carry inside of a single bag; so, I decided as I'm still so close to home...might as well go home, and, leave them there...that way I don't have to carry it around with me all evening long.
4:30 PM BRIXTON/SORTED
The first trip I made was to Brixton...without going into too much details...the Brixton trip went ok.
5 PM STOCKWELL/PICKED UP THE LETTERS...NOTHING IMPORTANT/JUST ADVERTS
My second trip was over to Stockwell, Beckett House; to go and pick up any letters.
5:30 PM STOCKWELL TUBE STATION - TOPPED UP MY OYSTER CARD: £20.00
I put £20.00 on my Oyster travel card at Stockwell tube station. My current balance now says: £38.40 credit(with another £15.00 to be added on when I touch my card against the yellow card reader when taking a bus...as I already topped up with £15.00 online earlier).
6 PM VAUXHALL...BIRTH/DEATH REGISTRATION PLACE MOVED TO BRIXTON TOWN HALL
My third trip was to Vauxhall 'birth and death' registrations...to get a copy of my birth certificate; I discovered they are no longer there...and, in fact, have moved back to Brixton Town Hall. So, maybe, I will visit Brixton Town Hall, tomorrow.
7 PM WORKED OUT HOW TO GET TO LEWISHAM BY BUS FROM VAUXHALL STATION
Also, at Vauxhall station...I discovered that at Bus stop C...there are two busses that will take you over to Lewisham...the 436/and, the 185. I think, I need to take the 185 in order to go to Lewisham Hospital.
-(Of course, being on a bike...I couldn't take my bike onto the bus...unless it's a folding bike/which it's not; so, instead, I decided to cycle back home.)-
MISSED VISITING MY MUM IN HOSPITAL, AGAIN, DURING THIS EVENING (2 DAYS IN A ROW)
Most unfortunately, it was far too late to go and visit seeing my mum in hospital. So, I decided to leave it until when tomorrow comes. (It's not easy for me to miss the trip...; as my mum is really old/weak/frail...furthermore, is not eating/drinking properly...so, absolutely anything could happen, next?! Therefore, spending time with her is, indeed, precious. So, my conscience racks me an awful lot. However, if visiting time closes at 8 PM...and, the time is now 7:48 PM; then, it's really quite clear that I'm not going to make it there on time. So there's really very little I can do about it until when tomorrow comes...; in particular, I was thinking of taking her some clothes.)
8:30 PM PHONED BOTH SHARON/MILLICENT TO GIVE THEM THE LATEST UPDATE
I phoned both Sharon/Millicent to give them the 'latest update' about my financial/missed visit situation/missing birth certificate.
9:43 PM HEATING UP SOME FOOD THAT SHARON GAVE ME
Yesterday, Sunday, Sharon gave me some food in Tupperware...which I'd somehow lost inside of the house; however, this evening I found it, again; and, am currently in the process of heating it up, right now. Curry and rice.
.
Sun 241119 Cancelled my own train journey up to Lewisham Hospital...due to time being far too 'late' to leave
I woke up somewhere around 8 AM...thinking lots of thoughts.
8 AM FED CAT
The first thing I did was let the cat in from the back garden; and, fed her. I got enough cat food available to last I should guess, at least, 2 weeks long...will need to top up by purchasing some more.
HOUSE CLEANING/CLEARING STILL TO DO
I have a lot of house clearing/cleaning still to go and do. Including inside/outside of the house...
> house front(hedge needs cutting back)
> and, too, back garden(weeds need cutting down).
NOTE: MULTIPLE BILLS TO GO AND PAY
Lots of bills needing to be paid. I'm the type of person who very easily tends to forget...so, it's very important for me to write these things down...so that I know what bills needs to be paid, immediately, right now...and, which bills can wait until, later. The major bills are...
-> Council Tax
-> Water Rate
-> Electricity
-> Gas
-> TV(license)
-> Broadband Internet
-> Home Insurance
-> Food/drink
-> Memberships (Arts/Amazon Prime/some memberships to be cancelled, too: skillsuccess.com/myblueprint.com)
-> Etc.
2 PM GOOGLED WHICH 'BIKE ROUTE' IT'S POSSIBLE TO TRAVEL ALONG TO GET TO LEWISHAM HOSPITAL
Want to visit my mum in hospital...so that she won't feel all alone. I wish to keep her spirits up as much as possible...so that she won't just quit wanting to live, anymore; because she is so 'weak'/and, exhausted...not too happy where she is...a place where she never wanted to end up/-etc.
I went and did a Google search to discover how to get to Lewisham Hospital. I found a route...but, it looks pretty long...and, complicated...plus, I never rode my bike along that same route before...so, I really don't know if I will be able to find it/or, not? Or, even if I do find it...how difficult it will be to make my way back home, again.
2:30 PM TOPPED UP MY OYSTER TRAVEL PASS ONLINE BY £15.00
I figured that during the next few days I may need to do some travelling on my own back and forth between both home and Lewisham Hospital.
So, one of the first things I did was to go and visit Transport For London web site...
https://www.tfl.gov.uk
...where I signed in to my online a/c.; and, topped up my Oyster travel card by £15.00.
(NOTE: The previous Oyster Card balance said, £6.xx.; so, in all I should now have, at least, £20.00 available to spend, in future.)
With an Oyster Card...you can choose to travel using public transport...
> Bus
> Train
> Tube
> Tram
...next, I need to work out...which one/or, combination of these public transport methods is it best to use to get to Lewisham Hospital/and, then, return back home, again. Which is quickest/slowest/most or least expensive/-etc.
I also checked out...
https://www.nationalrail.co.uk
https://www.thetrainline.com
https://maps.google.com
https://www.streetmap.co.uk
6:30 PM TRIED TRAVELLING TO LEWISHAM HOSPITAL; BUT, WAS DEEPLY DISAPPOINTED AT BEING TOO 'LATE' - HAD TO RETURN BACK HOME, INSTEAD
I tried to make my way over to Lewisham Hospital...it's not a route I know...having never travelled there before from West Norwood.
However, I did do an internet search to try and discover how to get there.
One suggestion I saw was it's possible to use train...
1> From West Norwood train station take the next train to Peckham Rye
2> From Peckham Rye take the train to Lewisham
3> From Lewisham take the bus to Ladywell
(walk around the corner to Lewisham High Street...turn left, and, walk down towards Lewisham University Hospital)
I went to West Norwood train station...and, there waited for the London Bridge bound train to take me to Peckham Rye.
A train came; but, I didn't realise it was Victoria bound...so, in my hurry to get there, I hopped on...the next stop said, Streatham Hill...and, immediately, I realised I was on the wrong train.
I had to get off that train...walk across to the other side...in order to take the train back to West Norwood.
Well, the next train that was coming...was cancelled...which mean, I now had an 1/2 hour wait to get another one. Eventually, I gave up...and, decided, instead, to go and try taking bus.
I walked out of Streatham Hill train station...; and, took the 147 bus up to Elder Road....got off at Elder Road bus stop...with the intention of taking a 68 bus from West Norwood up to Camberwell; then, from Camberwell taking a 75 bus to Lewisham.
However, by the time I had arrived all the way back at West Norwood train station...I looked up at the time...and, it said nearly 8 PM. I thought to myself...8 PM is visitor closing time.
So, I decided to return back home...to check what is the hospital visiting hours. I phoned Lewisham Hospital on: 0208 333 3000; and, spoke into the phone Chesnut Ward...the nurse I spoke to...said the visiting time was: 2 PM - 8 PM.
8:15 PM PHONED TREVOR AND MILLICENT
I next phoned my cousin, Millicent and her husband Trevor.
They said, they did go and visit that evening...and, they had tried to phone me, first...to take me there; but, when they received no reply...they decided to leave for the hospital without me.
They said they saw my mum, asleep...and, didn't wish to wake her up...so, they stayed there for a while...spoke to the nurse who said she had refused to eat cheese and baking potatoe...and, instead, had a yougart. Then, they said they had left the hospital.
They also went and mentioned that it's possible to get a bus from Crystal Palace over to Lewisham. Which meant I should have stayed on the 147 bus...which was going towards Crystal Palace...and, then, tried taking another bus from there. However, I didn't know that.
CONCLUSION
When I'd started my going out trip...my Oyster card travel balance said £21.25. I was charged £2.10 just to travel to the very next stop from West Norwood, Streatham Hill; and, charged a further 0.75p for the bus trip from Streatham Hill over to Elder Road. My Oyster card closing balance now says: £18.40.
In short, the whole entire journey I made was really a 'big' mistake...in that I lost money going nowhere! On top of it all is the guilt and shame I feel for not having seen my mum, today.
Anyway, there will be a next time to try, again, tomorrow.
I also discovered my walking legs are not the same, anymore. I walked slow...and, didn't feel much energy/strength. I think, that's mainly because I'm used to travelling by bike...; and, also, for longer journeys would use public transport train.
I need to try either walking/running around the block more, frequently; in order build up both my leg strength; and, also, to improve my stamina more.
8 AM FED CAT
The first thing I did was let the cat in from the back garden; and, fed her. I got enough cat food available to last I should guess, at least, 2 weeks long...will need to top up by purchasing some more.
HOUSE CLEANING/CLEARING STILL TO DO
I have a lot of house clearing/cleaning still to go and do. Including inside/outside of the house...
> house front(hedge needs cutting back)
> and, too, back garden(weeds need cutting down).
NOTE: MULTIPLE BILLS TO GO AND PAY
Lots of bills needing to be paid. I'm the type of person who very easily tends to forget...so, it's very important for me to write these things down...so that I know what bills needs to be paid, immediately, right now...and, which bills can wait until, later. The major bills are...
-> Council Tax
-> Water Rate
-> Electricity
-> Gas
-> TV(license)
-> Broadband Internet
-> Home Insurance
-> Food/drink
-> Memberships (Arts/Amazon Prime/some memberships to be cancelled, too: skillsuccess.com/myblueprint.com)
-> Etc.
2 PM GOOGLED WHICH 'BIKE ROUTE' IT'S POSSIBLE TO TRAVEL ALONG TO GET TO LEWISHAM HOSPITAL
Want to visit my mum in hospital...so that she won't feel all alone. I wish to keep her spirits up as much as possible...so that she won't just quit wanting to live, anymore; because she is so 'weak'/and, exhausted...not too happy where she is...a place where she never wanted to end up/-etc.
I went and did a Google search to discover how to get to Lewisham Hospital. I found a route...but, it looks pretty long...and, complicated...plus, I never rode my bike along that same route before...so, I really don't know if I will be able to find it/or, not? Or, even if I do find it...how difficult it will be to make my way back home, again.
2:30 PM TOPPED UP MY OYSTER TRAVEL PASS ONLINE BY £15.00
I figured that during the next few days I may need to do some travelling on my own back and forth between both home and Lewisham Hospital.
So, one of the first things I did was to go and visit Transport For London web site...
https://www.tfl.gov.uk
...where I signed in to my online a/c.; and, topped up my Oyster travel card by £15.00.
(NOTE: The previous Oyster Card balance said, £6.xx.; so, in all I should now have, at least, £20.00 available to spend, in future.)
With an Oyster Card...you can choose to travel using public transport...
> Bus
> Train
> Tube
> Tram
...next, I need to work out...which one/or, combination of these public transport methods is it best to use to get to Lewisham Hospital/and, then, return back home, again. Which is quickest/slowest/most or least expensive/-etc.
I also checked out...
https://www.nationalrail.co.uk
https://www.thetrainline.com
https://maps.google.com
https://www.streetmap.co.uk
6:30 PM TRIED TRAVELLING TO LEWISHAM HOSPITAL; BUT, WAS DEEPLY DISAPPOINTED AT BEING TOO 'LATE' - HAD TO RETURN BACK HOME, INSTEAD
I tried to make my way over to Lewisham Hospital...it's not a route I know...having never travelled there before from West Norwood.
However, I did do an internet search to try and discover how to get there.
One suggestion I saw was it's possible to use train...
1> From West Norwood train station take the next train to Peckham Rye
2> From Peckham Rye take the train to Lewisham
3> From Lewisham take the bus to Ladywell
(walk around the corner to Lewisham High Street...turn left, and, walk down towards Lewisham University Hospital)
I went to West Norwood train station...and, there waited for the London Bridge bound train to take me to Peckham Rye.
A train came; but, I didn't realise it was Victoria bound...so, in my hurry to get there, I hopped on...the next stop said, Streatham Hill...and, immediately, I realised I was on the wrong train.
I had to get off that train...walk across to the other side...in order to take the train back to West Norwood.
Well, the next train that was coming...was cancelled...which mean, I now had an 1/2 hour wait to get another one. Eventually, I gave up...and, decided, instead, to go and try taking bus.
I walked out of Streatham Hill train station...; and, took the 147 bus up to Elder Road....got off at Elder Road bus stop...with the intention of taking a 68 bus from West Norwood up to Camberwell; then, from Camberwell taking a 75 bus to Lewisham.
However, by the time I had arrived all the way back at West Norwood train station...I looked up at the time...and, it said nearly 8 PM. I thought to myself...8 PM is visitor closing time.
So, I decided to return back home...to check what is the hospital visiting hours. I phoned Lewisham Hospital on: 0208 333 3000; and, spoke into the phone Chesnut Ward...the nurse I spoke to...said the visiting time was: 2 PM - 8 PM.
8:15 PM PHONED TREVOR AND MILLICENT
I next phoned my cousin, Millicent and her husband Trevor.
They said, they did go and visit that evening...and, they had tried to phone me, first...to take me there; but, when they received no reply...they decided to leave for the hospital without me.
They said they saw my mum, asleep...and, didn't wish to wake her up...so, they stayed there for a while...spoke to the nurse who said she had refused to eat cheese and baking potatoe...and, instead, had a yougart. Then, they said they had left the hospital.
They also went and mentioned that it's possible to get a bus from Crystal Palace over to Lewisham. Which meant I should have stayed on the 147 bus...which was going towards Crystal Palace...and, then, tried taking another bus from there. However, I didn't know that.
CONCLUSION
When I'd started my going out trip...my Oyster card travel balance said £21.25. I was charged £2.10 just to travel to the very next stop from West Norwood, Streatham Hill; and, charged a further 0.75p for the bus trip from Streatham Hill over to Elder Road. My Oyster card closing balance now says: £18.40.
In short, the whole entire journey I made was really a 'big' mistake...in that I lost money going nowhere! On top of it all is the guilt and shame I feel for not having seen my mum, today.
Anyway, there will be a next time to try, again, tomorrow.
I also discovered my walking legs are not the same, anymore. I walked slow...and, didn't feel much energy/strength. I think, that's mainly because I'm used to travelling by bike...; and, also, for longer journeys would use public transport train.
I need to try either walking/running around the block more, frequently; in order build up both my leg strength; and, also, to improve my stamina more.
Sat 231119 Sharon drove from her home up to Lewisham Hospital; then, to my home
10 PM - 7:30 AM SLEPT AT SHARON'S
I slept at Sharon's home all night long, yesterday; which would be Friday evening...until Saturday morning.
Being in a relatively 'new' place...and, due to adverse circumstances...I slept rather fitfully during the night...sleeping very lightly, indeed...and, having constant broken sleep.
I was very deeply worried about my mum being in hospital...how is she feeling/what are these 'stranger' people/doctors/nurses doing to her, right now, I wonder...?
I also worried about what's going on at home...how is the cat(where did I leave her...inside/outside? Can't exactly recall...)...will there be any break in's due to the damaged front door.../and, are the other neighbours 'aware' that the house is currently unoccupied...I'm sure, the awfully nosey neighbours were watching the unusual and strange going on's through their windows...police breaking in the front door/mum, most unwillingly, having to go into ambulance/-etc.; and, will they try and take disadvantage of that situation...some people have evil designs.
Too, I was interested in getting acquainted with Sharon's cat...so I kind of slept with one eye open.
I stayed there playing around with her two young children for most of Saturday. In fact, the kids -who I'm very friendly with- woke me up at around 7:30 AM.
Me, and, the kids watched: The Lion, the Witch, and, the Walldrobe on TV.
2 PM SHOWERED
Later on, during the day I went and took a shower.
Then, stayed to have something to eat. I believe it was Mackerel and dumpling...very nice. She's a wonderful 'expert' cook. Sometimes, I think, that going to visit her home...is rather like going to visit a restaurant...because the quality of the food is that good.
6 PM - 7 PM LEWISHAM UNIVERSITY HOSPITAL
Later on during the evening somewhere approximately around 6 PM...we drove back to Lewisham University Hospital.
My mum does not look good, I'm afraid; basically, she looks like nothing but mere 'skin and bones'...all curled up in a fetal position...and, 'unmoving'; which, I think, is mainly due to not being able to eat/drink, properly, anymore. -(She still has a liquid drip attached to her.)- I gave her 2 spoonfuls of soup/followed by half-a-cup of water...which she, immediately, vomited up...both of us found to be extremely disheartening. Next, she promptly fell asleep.
My mum constantly complains...that she's not happy to be there in hospital; she also is making requests for her own clothes. (I must remember to bring her some, soon.)
8 PM SHARON DROVE ME BACK HOME TO MY HOUSE IN WEST NORWOOD
Sharon drove me home to West Norwood; and, gave me a metal dish holder/plus, some food inside of Tupperware(but, I don't know where I've gone and mis-placed the Tupperware...?! Only the metal dish holder I found).
Outside in the street, I wished her a safe drive home back to Kingswood. (Phoned her, later on, just to confirm that she arrived home quite safely...and, she did eventually answer the phone; whereas, before I had called three times...with nobody picking up...I guess, all the rest of their family must have gone out somewhere.)
One of the first things I did when I arrived home...was to go and check the cat; was she ok...where on earth did I leave her...inside/or, outside? Well, when I opened up the back garden door...suddenly, the cat came rushing in. I gave her some dinner...liquid Whiskers food pouch/and, also, some 'dry cat food'; and, then, let her back out into the garden, again...to go and run.
I went upstairs...and, felt really 'sad' that my mum wasn't here anymore. Especially, with the winter weather...and, no double glazing...the house felt really utterly freezing cold.
I had some food...ice cream(needed something 'sweet' to lift up my poor spirits)/together with 4 jam dougnuts, and, a hot cup of tea. Watched TV for a while...; stayed at the computer for a little bit...; then, eventually, went off to bed.
I slept at Sharon's home all night long, yesterday; which would be Friday evening...until Saturday morning.
Being in a relatively 'new' place...and, due to adverse circumstances...I slept rather fitfully during the night...sleeping very lightly, indeed...and, having constant broken sleep.
I was very deeply worried about my mum being in hospital...how is she feeling/what are these 'stranger' people/doctors/nurses doing to her, right now, I wonder...?
I also worried about what's going on at home...how is the cat(where did I leave her...inside/outside? Can't exactly recall...)...will there be any break in's due to the damaged front door.../and, are the other neighbours 'aware' that the house is currently unoccupied...I'm sure, the awfully nosey neighbours were watching the unusual and strange going on's through their windows...police breaking in the front door/mum, most unwillingly, having to go into ambulance/-etc.; and, will they try and take disadvantage of that situation...some people have evil designs.
Too, I was interested in getting acquainted with Sharon's cat...so I kind of slept with one eye open.
I stayed there playing around with her two young children for most of Saturday. In fact, the kids -who I'm very friendly with- woke me up at around 7:30 AM.
Me, and, the kids watched: The Lion, the Witch, and, the Walldrobe on TV.
2 PM SHOWERED
Later on, during the day I went and took a shower.
Then, stayed to have something to eat. I believe it was Mackerel and dumpling...very nice. She's a wonderful 'expert' cook. Sometimes, I think, that going to visit her home...is rather like going to visit a restaurant...because the quality of the food is that good.
6 PM - 7 PM LEWISHAM UNIVERSITY HOSPITAL
Later on during the evening somewhere approximately around 6 PM...we drove back to Lewisham University Hospital.
My mum does not look good, I'm afraid; basically, she looks like nothing but mere 'skin and bones'...all curled up in a fetal position...and, 'unmoving'; which, I think, is mainly due to not being able to eat/drink, properly, anymore. -(She still has a liquid drip attached to her.)- I gave her 2 spoonfuls of soup/followed by half-a-cup of water...which she, immediately, vomited up...both of us found to be extremely disheartening. Next, she promptly fell asleep.
My mum constantly complains...that she's not happy to be there in hospital; she also is making requests for her own clothes. (I must remember to bring her some, soon.)
8 PM SHARON DROVE ME BACK HOME TO MY HOUSE IN WEST NORWOOD
Sharon drove me home to West Norwood; and, gave me a metal dish holder/plus, some food inside of Tupperware(but, I don't know where I've gone and mis-placed the Tupperware...?! Only the metal dish holder I found).
Outside in the street, I wished her a safe drive home back to Kingswood. (Phoned her, later on, just to confirm that she arrived home quite safely...and, she did eventually answer the phone; whereas, before I had called three times...with nobody picking up...I guess, all the rest of their family must have gone out somewhere.)
One of the first things I did when I arrived home...was to go and check the cat; was she ok...where on earth did I leave her...inside/or, outside? Well, when I opened up the back garden door...suddenly, the cat came rushing in. I gave her some dinner...liquid Whiskers food pouch/and, also, some 'dry cat food'; and, then, let her back out into the garden, again...to go and run.
I went upstairs...and, felt really 'sad' that my mum wasn't here anymore. Especially, with the winter weather...and, no double glazing...the house felt really utterly freezing cold.
I had some food...ice cream(needed something 'sweet' to lift up my poor spirits)/together with 4 jam dougnuts, and, a hot cup of tea. Watched TV for a while...; stayed at the computer for a little bit...; then, eventually, went off to bed.
Friday, 22 November 2019
Fri 221119 Signed on/Dr. Henna's visit/Sharon+Policewoman/Millicent/Trevor/Phyllis/Ambulance/Lewisham Hospital/Slept at Sharon's/Met cat
8 AM VISITED BECKETT HOUSE
I went to check out Beckett House...; and, to collect up all of the missed letters. There wasn't anything there that was extremely important...other than my mum is being sent Winter money payments/Post Office statement/and, missed other appointments(mostly, minor)/too, there was all of the usual rubbish adverts.
8:30 AM BROUGHT SOME CAKES FROM GREGGS
I went across the road to go and visit Gregg's cake shop; where I brought 4 or 5 items...to go into a plastic bag.
1 x cheese cake
1 x sausage roll (pork)
2 x cream finger cakes (1 for me/1 for my mum)
Pack of 5 jam dougnuts
8:45 AM RETURNED BACK TO BECKETT HOUSE
I returned back to Beckett House...partly, because I needed to desperately empty my bladder contents; and, also, to eat one of the cream cakes I just went and brought.
9 AM VISITED BRIXTON HALFORDS BIKE SHOP
I went and visited Brixton Halfords bike shop to go and get both of my bike tyres pumped up full.
10 AM RETURNED BACK HOME
When I arrived back home...I offered my mum one of the cream cakes; but, she said that she doesn't want it. I broke it into a quarter...; and, still, no. Thus, I went and ate the other 3/4's.
MADE 2 PHONE CALLS
> Call my cousin, Sharon...but, no answer
> Called my cousin, Millicent....Trevor answered. I told him I'm awaiting the doctor to call; but, I also have to go an sign on at Streatham Job Centre, first.
11:30 AM STREATHAM JOB CENTRE
I forgotten to go and 'sign on' at Streatham Job Centre, yesterday, Thursday at 1:30 PM.
So, when I checked the answer machine...it said that I need to make them a phone call because I had missed my appointment.
I phoned them...and, explained I was deeply worried about my mum's ailing state...Sue said I should come in, right now, to 'sign on'.
So, I rode my bike over there to 'sign on'...thinking they would make my life really difficult...as I hadn't been doing job search regularly...missed my last appointment; and, so on. However, much to my surprise Sue was very sympathetic...they didn't make any fuss...just told me to sign, anyway; gave me a new sign on card...the old one had gotten really tatty...and, then, let me go off home.
I can't say what a huge relief that was being allowed to still 'sign on'. I can't think of anything worse...than, you already got problems big time...and, then, they go cut off your benefit money completely; thus, tossing in even more problems.
12:00 MIDDAY NEED TO CLEAR UP THE HOUSE REALLY FAST
I cleared up some stuff; whilst other stuff I moved it into other rooms to be cleared up, later on, instead.
1:45 PM DOCTOR HENNA FROM TULSE HILL SURGERY CALLED
I had left the front door open; in that way, no caller can say they were knocking; but, you weren't in...even when you knew you were in...and, didn't go nowhere.
Dr. Henna, came, and, knocked on the door...; I told her to please enter.
We had a chat, first; as I carefully explained the situation.
MUM'S HISTORY
AGE/PLACE OF BIRTH
My mum is, currently, 93 years old....she was born 30th July 1926...in Kingston, Jamaica.
MOTOR CYCLE COLLISION ACCIDENT
Around 10 years or so back...my mum suffered a collision with a motor cycle...when she was crossing the street, Stockwell Road. Her foot was very badly broken...so much so, that the foot was actually hanging off...and, only connected to the rest of her leg by merely an attached piece of skin.
She was admitted into King College hospital...where she had an operation; and, perhaps, multiple other operations after that. Anyway, eventually, my mum got released from out of hospital...and, had to walk using a pair of crutches.
In around 1 years time...she was able to discard the crutches completely; only, now, whenever she walked it was on 'unsteady' legs. For example she had to hold onto something such as a piece of furniture/or, a wall...in order to stand/or, walk. So, when she went and did any shopping down the street...she had to, constantly, keep holding onto the shopping basket...otherwise, she would most definitely fall.
I wanted to do the shopping for her...but, she preferred to go do it for herself, instead; as she is very highly independent minded; and, also, extremely stubborn; that is, whenever she makes up her mind to be.
BEGINNING OF THE YEAR, SEVERE BACKGARDEN FALL
During Jan/Feb 2019; my mum had a serious fall onto the concrete located at the top of the back garden; basically, she couldn't move her legs; so, I had to carry her upstairs...across 3 flights of stairs...and, then, into bed.
I told her, please, let me call a doctor; and, she said, most adamantly, no; she did not want that! Instead, she suggested that give her a few weeks, and, she'll be back up, again. So, I decided to let her have her own way.
WALKED DOWN TO THE KITCHEN/BATHROOM
Over time, she was able to stand up, again/and, walk. Only, now, she would no longer go out and do the shopping anymore; instead, I had to do that for her. She would, however, go down 1 flight of stairs on her own...and, into the kitchen to both prepare/cook food; then, she would walk back to the stairs...and, then, return back into bed.
I would then heat up the cooked food/and, bring along some drink....and, she would eat/drink in bed.
NO LONGER WALKING/CONFINED TO HER BED, INSTEAD
This same situation carried on until the last few months; perhaps, around a month or so ago...I noticed she was no longer going downstairs, anymore...not to cook/nor to wash inside of the bathroom.
I tried bringing her a washing up bowl/together with a wet rag/towel...; but, far more often than not, she refused to use it.
Instead, she said she washed herself using surgical spirit lotion/and, TCP/-etc. I had to bring in a bed bucket for her to use; which I would then later go and empty/clean once she had finished.
NO LONGER INTERESTED IN EATING/DRINKING/MOVING
Then, around 2 weeks or so...I noticed her movement had stopped; instead, she would just lie down in bed, most of the time, completely stock still(if she wanted to move/turn...then, I had to move her myself). This scared me a lot, because I realised that in order for muscles to stay strong/and, supple...then, you have to 'move' them; but, if you don't practice moving them...then, your muscles/bones become both stiff and weak...and, even 'brittle'.
Also, she would eat much less...; basically, she said she doesn't have to strength to stand up and use the bed bucket, anymore.
So, I gave her small amounts to eat/drink...; 1 egg for the whole entire day/and, half cups of water/Ribena/Lucozade; but, then, even giving her small amounts she would actually start to vomit it back up.
I realised, then, that if you are already weak/old/frail...then, vomiting is a very bad sign, indeed. Certainly, if you are not going to eat/drink anything...then, you are most likely to die, either sooner or later.
That's when I decided this sort of truly desperate situation can not go on for too much longer...I will need to call a doctor in to do an assessment...whether she likes it or not...?! And, she makes it perfectly clear to me that she does not wish to see doctors/hospital...as she really hates them/going there.
Basically, what she really is saying is quite simply this...if you are 'hard of hearing'...then, you cannot hear/understand what the doctor/or, nurses are saying/doing to you...including sticking needles into your skin/as well as, going through highly invasive procedures...such as look at, and, interfering with your 'private' parts. My mum due to insufficient hygiene, sometimes, has infections going on down there. But, she is a very 'proud' and private type of person...; and, hates strangers touching/or, man handling her.
COMMUNICATION ISSUES
On top of all this...I think, it's quite possible that she may be suffering from either Alzeihmer's/Dementia/or, quite possibly, both...; or, maybe, she 's just 'senile'...meaning, I think, her brain might have shrunk; because any serious communication with her is no longer possible. I can no longer have or hold a meaningful conversation, anymore; everything results in shouting/screaming.
Basically, she just shouts out orders...and, I end up doing it. Move this/move that...give me this/give me that...and, if you give her anything else...she threatens to go fling it either in your face/onto the bed/or, floor.
Because she is 'hard of hearing'...therefore, whenever I wish to communicate...I have to write it down; and, sometimes, she completely refuses to actually see/look at/read it...if I try to open her eyes, myself...she digs her long sharp nails into my skin; and, sometimes, drawing actual 'blood!'
Furthermore, if I write too much...such as 3 page fulls...her brain seems to get so tired...
that she completely gives up reading any further; and, instead, just goes back to sleep.
DR HENNA'S CONCLUSION: MY MUM HASN'T GOT VERY LONG TO LIVE
So, in the light of all already said above -plus, my family members all insisting I go call a doctor in- eventually, I decided to call the doctor(both to protect my own self from being accused to not doing anything to seek external help or support/as well as, in my own mother's interest).
Dr. Henna said...she had already gone and consulted my mums medical history notes...and, realises that she doesn't like seeing doctors/or, going into hospital.
When we walked into the bedroom...and, I woke up my mum...explaining the doctor is here. She called me an 'animal'...and, simply, re-stated as she always did...that she doesn't wish to see no doctor. Dr. Henna said let's go back outside onto the staircase landing and talk.
When we walked into the bedroom...and, I woke up my mum...explaining the doctor is here. She called me an 'animal'...and, simply, re-stated as she always did...that she doesn't wish to see no doctor. Dr. Henna said let's go back outside onto the staircase landing and talk.
On witnessing seeing my mum's serious weak/ematiated/bed bound situation for herself...Dr. Henna said that she guesses my mum doesn't have too much longer to live...perhaps, a week/or, a few weeks.
Therefore, I should consult with the other family members...and, decide if she is to die inside of the home/or else, go into hospital to have her condition more carefully monitored.
Dr. Henna left...telling me...I should call, and, tell her what I've decided during the evening/or, even, during the weekend.
FAMILY GATHERING
I called the family using the phone...in particular, I called my cousin, Sharon; and, then, later on, my other cousin, Millicent. They all came...in the case of Millicent...3 people came: Millicent/Trevor/Phyllis.
7PM SHARON/AND, THE POLICE WOMAN WITH BATTERING RAM
I believe Sharon came, first...; only, I was so totally 'tired' that I forgot I'd requested Sharon to come...I'd actually gone off to 'sleep'.
After calling/knocking/phoning...and, getting no answer back in return...basically, Sharon 'panicked'...and, called in the police.
I was completely 'amazed' to suddenly wake up to the sound of a really loud banging noise...as the police battering ram...burst open the front door(which, fortunately enough, still remains intact...and, lockable).
When I ran downstairs...I was still wearing just my boxer shorts/with jumper on top...and, saw a 5ft 4in police woman standing there...telling me she is from whichever police station; and, had received a phone call from my deeply worried cousin, Sharon; requesting them to break in to find out what's wrong.
Anyway, I calmed down...when I realised we didn't actually have burgler's to deal with. I apologised to the police woman for being in boxer shorts/and, then, went back upstairs to change into some long trousers.
I went back downstairs...to explain I fell asleep to the police woman/and, also, to my cousin, Sharon. The police woman left; and, I stayed chatting with Sharon.
VISITORS: MILLICENT/TREVOR/PHYLLIS
Afterwards, Millicent and her husband, Trevor, turned up on the doorstep.
I was just in the process of shutting back the front door...when I noticed Phyllis behind...who is, Millicent's cousin, (I think?). I had to apologise for not seeing her coming in last.
Anyway, everyone gathered around inside of the living room...where, most unfortunately, there was little/or, no space to sit down...as I'd dumped in there so much stuff after trying to clear the house up.
The discussion centred around should she go into hospital or not; but, of course, in reality there was no discussion...as the rest of the family had already agreed in unison that she should go into hospital...having told me the exact same advice over the phone, repeatedly, again and again for months from ever since the beginning of the year...when I'd reported that she had fallen down inside of the back garden; stating that's the only 'safe' place where she will be provided with proper medical care.
Instead, it was my own counter argument...that she doesn't wish to go.
What eventually decided it was...my mum wanted to get up to take a leak...and, so, me and Millicent went into the bedroom to help...I did the work...she just merely watched; but, I could see from the frightened look on her face.../and, her words were...she must go into hospital...because she's in 'pain'. That finally decided it for me...; so, I called first the doctor's surgery which was already closed; then, the ambulance service on 999.
2 MAN AMBULANCE TEAM/TO LEWISHAM UNIVERSITY HOSPITAL
The ambulance team consisted of two male medical assistants. Outside, in the street, before they had entered the home...I explained to them the situation...my mum isn't eating/drinking, properly...and/or, isn't holding food/drink down...and, also, has mobility problems; on top of which she does not wish to go and see doctors/hospital.
The guys came into the bedroom...and, did a few tests...using their equipments...either they failed to get a reading...as my mum kept on moving/or, the readings just said, normal.
They then discussed together the options...that either they leave it to the G. P. to arrange any further help; or, do as the family wishes...which is to take her off to hospital, instead; which my mum doesn't want...which she is very loudly protesting.
Finally, they decided it's best to take her off to hospital. They went and got stretchers/chair; after some 'fussing and fighting'...hoisted my mum onto the chair/stretcher...and, transported her downstairs into the ambulance; then, off to hospital.
Unfortunately, the nearest hospital Kings College was closed(no more beds, available); so, they waited a while...but, still no beds had become available; thus, they decided to take her to Lewisham Hospital.
Frankly, I felt shocked...as Kings College hospital...2/3 miles...is only a bike's ride away/or, even within running/walking distance...but, Lewisham Hospital is really far away...6+ miles, maybe; but, there was really nothing I could do about that.
I climbed into the ambulance in order to accompany my mum to hospital; and, my cousin Sharon decided to follow the ambulance in her car. Gradually, we arrived at the Accident and Emergency department...front gates(just opposite Lewisham Park Road).
The ambulance people went in one way; and, me and my cousin Sharon went in another way. Eventually, though, we found her in A & E. They stuck a needle into her vein...and, took 5 vials of blood to go and test; and, also, introduced an intravenous drip...to give her fluids...through that same vein.
After staying there and waiting 3 hours...still no doctor had appeared. Eventually, a nurse came...and, explained we had better leave...then, come back the next day, when she might be admitted into a ward.
WENT TO COUSIN SHARON'S TO SLEEP
Coming back home...my cousin Sharon suggested I go to her home to sleep tonight...as she was feeling, really and truly, 'tired'...and, didn't want to go home alone...in case she might fall asleep at the wheel while in the process of driving...to which I agreed.
I spent the night sleeping downstairs in the 'living room' on the 3 piece settee couch with a thick blanket for covering(the central heating on).
I also met their 'new;' family cat: Geoffery...which has the same name as Sharon's husband, Geoff. LOL
After a while, the cat climbed off it's own bed...and, climbed up on top of me...to go and sleep.
Thursday, 21 November 2019
Thu 211119 Called Mum's doctor for in home assessment, tomorrow: 1:30 PM
6:40 PM CALLED MUM'S DOCTOR FOR IN HOME ASSESSMENT
I called my mum's doctor at Hardel Rise, Tulse Hill. I asked for her usual doctor: Dr. Turner; however, they said she is away on 2 weeks holiday; therefore, they will tell Dr. Henna to call me back within half-an-hour's time.
7 PM DR. HENNA RETURNED MY PHONE CALL
Dr. Henna phoned me back...; I explained to her that I am my mum's only son/my age is, 56; and, she is 93 years old.
She used to go out, and, do some shopping...though, on really unsteady legs...using her shopping basket for balance.
Later on, around the beginning of this year 2019...she had a serious fall inside of the back garden...I had to pick her up; and, take her safely into bed....which is when she stopped going out to go and do shopping, anymore; instead, I went out and did all of the shopping for her.
She would, however, go down one flight of stairs to access both the kitchen/bathroom...to either prepare/cook food/or else, wash.
Eventually, she stopped going downstairs...; and, then, would just simply stay in bed. I would bring her both food/drink in bed; and, she would when done...get up to access a pan kept at the side of the bed; then, afterwards, I would go and empty it; then, she would immediately return straight back into bed.
The reason why I had called, was because she is currently having difficulty eating/drinking/moving. Sometimes, she refuses to eat/drink...because she can't get up/stand up to access the pan at the bed side. When she does get up to access it...I have to be there to help...in order to stop her falling over...and, possibly, break something...because her body is so weak.
I'm also really worried that she can't move...not even to turn over in bed; instead, I have to help turn her.
If you don't use your body...arms/legs...then, eventually, everything seizes up...and, then, you find you just 'cannot move'...?!
-(I could tell her to exercise 200 times per day...and, she just simply completely ignores me; I would like to move her limbs myself...in order to help her exercise...; but, whenever I do that she says it's causing her 'pain'...so, I stop, immediately....worrying that I might be making her condition far worse instead of better.)-
It also worries me that I might be doing something wrong...as I'm not a professional medical person.
Anyway, in conclusion the Dr. said she would come and visit us at 1:30 PM tomorrow.
CONCLUSION
For me, this is a very sad day, indeed..; we seem to have reached the point of no turning back...
The honest truth is, screw the doctors, as long as my mum can still move/eat/drink...then, I would be only far too happy to help her...and, keep her near.
However, when she cannot move/eat/drink...; then, I feel I have no other choice but to go and seek some outside help.
I feel that the outside help is bound to say she must go into hospital; which is exactly where my mum does not want to go; as she warns me, continually, non-stop...if she ever goes in there -(she said the same thing at the beginning of the year when she fell down on concrete inside of the garden)- then, she doesn't believe she will come back out, 'alive', anymore. As a result, my mum is truly deathly afraid of going into hospital; and, I in turn have been extremely unwilling to send her there; because I'm an only child...therefore, I have nobody else who is so close.
The reason why I've decided to call the doctor in is...what if...
> I were to try and move her...turn her over in bed...to reach a more comfortable position; and, she has a sudden heart attack...due to blood pressure/not able to take sudden movements. If you're not exercising, regularly; then, your heart is vulnerable to any sudden stress.
> She were to simply die in her sleep in bed...; then, I would say quite guiltily to myself...I should have gotten help for her far sooner...and, then, she would have lived possibly a little bit longer.
> I went out shopping; and, she decided to stand up to use the bed side pan; and, suffered a serious fall...banging her head against something really hard/or else, breaking bone/(s). I wouldn't even know about it until when I had returned home.
-(One incident, I recall, she fell at the bottom of the back garden...I had gone out to 'sign on' at Streatham job centre. When I returned straight back, I was amazed that I couldn't find my mum anywhere; then, when I looked outside of the garden door...there she was on her back...struggling in the dirt to get up...? Later on, I asked her, 'how long were you out there for after having fallen down?' She said, half-an-hour. I felt totally shocked! So, now-a-days, whenever I go outside...I'm always in a hurry to 'rush' back home...to ascertain exactly how is my mum doing...unless I see her, I really don't know?)-
> The other point is...the lay person can see a person on the outside...and, to them they may look perfectly normal; but, only a medical expert can tell exactly what's wrong...do they have cancer? Do they have low blood pressure? Do they have something else.../-etc.
-> What I myself, as a lay person can see is...my mum is getting considerably weaker and weaker...all because she is eating/drinking/moving far less. -(NOTE: I cannot 'force' her to eat/drink/move if she really doesn't want to...!)- Going at this rate, I cannot see her getting more strong. It's like I'm fighting a losing battle every single day...; which makes me feel rather deeply depressed.
In fact, I can see judging by her face/eyes/emaciated body that's, obviously, 'wasting' away.../-etc. that she might actually die in bed. I'm really not sure if that's the best way to go...maybe, she herself might want that; but, me, I'd much prefer that she seeks proper medical help, first; before dying. If they can do/find anything to help her live longer...; then, so be it. Myself, I feel totally and completely helpless, and, unlearned in being able to help the old.
I did try educating myself by going over to YouTube...and, watching videos teaching about Alzheimers/Dementia/-etc. One or more of those movies said...sometimes, their condition grows steadily worse and worse...their brain shinks -(I cannot talk to/or, reason with my mum easily anymore; instead, she just merely answers by screaming at me...her attention span is really low...she's hard of hearing/I have to write things down...and, many times, she refuses to read it/or, will read once, twice, thrice...and, then, stop)...and, eventually, their body locks up...they, stop eating/drinking...and, do eventually, die. All of that scenario is exactly what I seem to be witnessing, right now.
-----
Here's something else I have to say...I have not told my mum so far that the doctor is coming, tomorrow...instead, I feel I might leave that news only until when tomorrow morning arrives. If I tell her before, then...I don't believe she will let me get to sleep; and, I desperately need some precious rest. It's sneaky, I know...but, if a person is adamant they do not wish to see doctors/or, hospital...then, is there really any further point arguing....because I know exactly what they are going to say...long before they've even said it. It's going to seem to her like a 'total betrayal'; and, that part makes me feel really bad; but, I'm doing it with her well being in mind...and, certainly, not my own.
I called my mum's doctor at Hardel Rise, Tulse Hill. I asked for her usual doctor: Dr. Turner; however, they said she is away on 2 weeks holiday; therefore, they will tell Dr. Henna to call me back within half-an-hour's time.
7 PM DR. HENNA RETURNED MY PHONE CALL
Dr. Henna phoned me back...; I explained to her that I am my mum's only son/my age is, 56; and, she is 93 years old.
She used to go out, and, do some shopping...though, on really unsteady legs...using her shopping basket for balance.
Later on, around the beginning of this year 2019...she had a serious fall inside of the back garden...I had to pick her up; and, take her safely into bed....which is when she stopped going out to go and do shopping, anymore; instead, I went out and did all of the shopping for her.
She would, however, go down one flight of stairs to access both the kitchen/bathroom...to either prepare/cook food/or else, wash.
Eventually, she stopped going downstairs...; and, then, would just simply stay in bed. I would bring her both food/drink in bed; and, she would when done...get up to access a pan kept at the side of the bed; then, afterwards, I would go and empty it; then, she would immediately return straight back into bed.
The reason why I had called, was because she is currently having difficulty eating/drinking/moving. Sometimes, she refuses to eat/drink...because she can't get up/stand up to access the pan at the bed side. When she does get up to access it...I have to be there to help...in order to stop her falling over...and, possibly, break something...because her body is so weak.
I'm also really worried that she can't move...not even to turn over in bed; instead, I have to help turn her.
If you don't use your body...arms/legs...then, eventually, everything seizes up...and, then, you find you just 'cannot move'...?!
-(I could tell her to exercise 200 times per day...and, she just simply completely ignores me; I would like to move her limbs myself...in order to help her exercise...; but, whenever I do that she says it's causing her 'pain'...so, I stop, immediately....worrying that I might be making her condition far worse instead of better.)-
It also worries me that I might be doing something wrong...as I'm not a professional medical person.
Anyway, in conclusion the Dr. said she would come and visit us at 1:30 PM tomorrow.
CONCLUSION
For me, this is a very sad day, indeed..; we seem to have reached the point of no turning back...
The honest truth is, screw the doctors, as long as my mum can still move/eat/drink...then, I would be only far too happy to help her...and, keep her near.
However, when she cannot move/eat/drink...; then, I feel I have no other choice but to go and seek some outside help.
I feel that the outside help is bound to say she must go into hospital; which is exactly where my mum does not want to go; as she warns me, continually, non-stop...if she ever goes in there -(she said the same thing at the beginning of the year when she fell down on concrete inside of the garden)- then, she doesn't believe she will come back out, 'alive', anymore. As a result, my mum is truly deathly afraid of going into hospital; and, I in turn have been extremely unwilling to send her there; because I'm an only child...therefore, I have nobody else who is so close.
The reason why I've decided to call the doctor in is...what if...
> I were to try and move her...turn her over in bed...to reach a more comfortable position; and, she has a sudden heart attack...due to blood pressure/not able to take sudden movements. If you're not exercising, regularly; then, your heart is vulnerable to any sudden stress.
> She were to simply die in her sleep in bed...; then, I would say quite guiltily to myself...I should have gotten help for her far sooner...and, then, she would have lived possibly a little bit longer.
> I went out shopping; and, she decided to stand up to use the bed side pan; and, suffered a serious fall...banging her head against something really hard/or else, breaking bone/(s). I wouldn't even know about it until when I had returned home.
-(One incident, I recall, she fell at the bottom of the back garden...I had gone out to 'sign on' at Streatham job centre. When I returned straight back, I was amazed that I couldn't find my mum anywhere; then, when I looked outside of the garden door...there she was on her back...struggling in the dirt to get up...? Later on, I asked her, 'how long were you out there for after having fallen down?' She said, half-an-hour. I felt totally shocked! So, now-a-days, whenever I go outside...I'm always in a hurry to 'rush' back home...to ascertain exactly how is my mum doing...unless I see her, I really don't know?)-
> The other point is...the lay person can see a person on the outside...and, to them they may look perfectly normal; but, only a medical expert can tell exactly what's wrong...do they have cancer? Do they have low blood pressure? Do they have something else.../-etc.
-> What I myself, as a lay person can see is...my mum is getting considerably weaker and weaker...all because she is eating/drinking/moving far less. -(NOTE: I cannot 'force' her to eat/drink/move if she really doesn't want to...!)- Going at this rate, I cannot see her getting more strong. It's like I'm fighting a losing battle every single day...; which makes me feel rather deeply depressed.
In fact, I can see judging by her face/eyes/emaciated body that's, obviously, 'wasting' away.../-etc. that she might actually die in bed. I'm really not sure if that's the best way to go...maybe, she herself might want that; but, me, I'd much prefer that she seeks proper medical help, first; before dying. If they can do/find anything to help her live longer...; then, so be it. Myself, I feel totally and completely helpless, and, unlearned in being able to help the old.
I did try educating myself by going over to YouTube...and, watching videos teaching about Alzheimers/Dementia/-etc. One or more of those movies said...sometimes, their condition grows steadily worse and worse...their brain shinks -(I cannot talk to/or, reason with my mum easily anymore; instead, she just merely answers by screaming at me...her attention span is really low...she's hard of hearing/I have to write things down...and, many times, she refuses to read it/or, will read once, twice, thrice...and, then, stop)...and, eventually, their body locks up...they, stop eating/drinking...and, do eventually, die. All of that scenario is exactly what I seem to be witnessing, right now.
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Here's something else I have to say...I have not told my mum so far that the doctor is coming, tomorrow...instead, I feel I might leave that news only until when tomorrow morning arrives. If I tell her before, then...I don't believe she will let me get to sleep; and, I desperately need some precious rest. It's sneaky, I know...but, if a person is adamant they do not wish to see doctors/or, hospital...then, is there really any further point arguing....because I know exactly what they are going to say...long before they've even said it. It's going to seem to her like a 'total betrayal'; and, that part makes me feel really bad; but, I'm doing it with her well being in mind...and, certainly, not my own.
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